Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The IRS just called me so I wired $5000 to their office in Pakistan just like they said so I hope that solves everything

I was uninvited to “drop it” because we couldn’t hear Yoncé over my Rice Krispie knees.

My daughter woke me up at 5 am to urgently tell me “any balloon spongebob blows up is technically a water balloon” & I have not been able to fall back asleep

People are all like once you turn 30 you never want to leave your house. I was 4.

Why did the chemist’s pants keep falling down?

Because he had no acetol

Shoe store employee on phone w/ wife: “Yea honey I should be home just in time for dinner”
*centipede walks in*
“You’ve got to be kiddin me”

Year 2696.
Archeologists 1: *looking at cursive written on an ancient wall* Come here, I’ve made a discovery. What does it say?
Archeologist 2: If my translation is correct it says, “For a good time, call your mom.”

[tour of zoo]
kid: “i think its a elephant”
me: “are you giving the tour”
kid:
me: “anyway as i was saying this is the big snake face thing”

I once sat down with Oprah to discuss my drug use but I was high & that might not have been Oprah because why did she need to borrow money?

Why is the word prolific only used to describe serial killers. You never hear anyone say “He was the most prolific donut maker you’ve ever seen.”

Me: Honey, where do we keep those legally binding documents our marriage is based on?
Her: You mean the mortgage papers?
Me: Yep those ones

it’s cool that your dog can fetch & obey commands but my cat can vomit on the bedspread so quietly that i don’t even wake up and you can’t teach that sort of thing

[looks up from laptop while updating résumé]
son, you’re good with computers
“I’m alright”
how do I find pictures of mean looking dinosaurs?

A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe

I don’t want to alarm anyone but I’ve purchased a ukulele. Soon as I can jam, there’ll be auditions for my band behind the 7-11.
NO WEIRDOS

It’ll never work, we have very different definitions of words like talented, celebrity, amazing and intelligent.

ME: my clothes are getting smaller

WIFE: you’re probably just putting on a little weight

ME: *pulling lint from dryer* then explain this

WAITER: Ready to order?

ME: First, I’d like to hear the chef’s special

WAITER: Oh yes he’s very special

[chef in background sheds a tear]

Drilling a hole is boring, but fastening pieces of metal can be riveting.

HOST: Welcome to “Die or Get Killed” the game show that no one survives

ME: Glad to be here, Mort

Whenever I work out, I wear a push-up bra so I can do more push-ups. If I didn’t, it’d be so embarrassing and people would laugh at me.

sometimes when I don’t want to pay the $100 therapy copay I go to my friend’s house and talk extra loud until her husband who’s working on his psych PhD goes “do you mind if I say something”

My 6yo told me that I couldn’t go past him into the living room unless I told him the secret code which he said was a bathroom word. So I said “a bathroom word” and he didn’t let me in.

COP: Give back the money you stole
ME: Already spent it
COP: On what?
ME: Karate lessons which [does vague swishes w/ hand] I did not attend

?¿

My workout routine? You mean hunting for the tv remote?

*bumps into an acquaintance in a world where there’s no such thing as weather* Uhhhhhhhhhhh

My GF is such a bad cook. The flies got together to fix the Screen Door.

If you believe that no great story ever started with someone eating a salad, then you’re using the wrong kind of mushrooms.