me: God?
God: yes my child
me: I need help-
God: ask and thou shall receive
me: -moving into my new apt
God:
me:
God:
me: hello?
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drinking a crystal pepsi! finally found something i have absolutely zero feelings about, positive or negative. at least with drywall or the milwaukee brewers there’s negligible level of residual opinion. this one is just a total flatline. it’s kind of nice. ah shit i messed it up
[driving home in silence]
me: all i said was her husband was a really down-to-earth guy
gf: they were lowering his coffin
Just realized that the baby is almost 20 years old so it’s probably time I stop saying I need to lose the baby weight.
Hate it when I’m fighting a guy and we create a cloud of dust and then he casually steps out and it’s just me in there.
[god inventing humans]
angel: what does it do
god: creates, loves, invents…
angel: awesome
god: storms area 51 in the style of an anime character
angel: wtf
god: it also makes quiche
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
I think suicide is selfish because there’s probably somebody out there who already really wants to kill you
Pilot: we’re gonna crash
Me: *to cute girl next to me* guess I should make these last moments count
Her: yeah?
Me: mhm *starts fast forwarding Shrek*
[Wife rubbing her temples after I told her how my job interview went] What…what do you mean, you “tried some breakdancing”?
[Satanic ritual]
Leader [pinching the bridge of his nose]: what is this
Me: the sacrifice
Leader: they’re cupcakes
Me: YEAH, BARRY, DEVIL’S FOOD AND I’LL HAVE YOU KNOW I SACRIFICED MY ENTIRE DAY TO MAKE THEM
Finishing up my time machine. Bolting down the flux capacitor now. I’ll start small and go back a couple of seconds just to see if it works.
My pet snake took my kid’s disappearance so hard, he’s gained 110 lbs since last week.
I just found an unopened box of Girl Scout cookies underneath my futon in my mom’s basement so yeah-I found love in a hopeless place.
the batteries in my keys don’t work anymore so now i just say “CHIRP CHIRP!” as i walk away from my car. your move robbers
If you still haven’t found what you’re looking for, check between the sofa cushions.
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
i told my roommate i was going on a date tonight, and he goes “let me see what you’re working with” so i did a pose 💅🏽
and he says “not you, the guy” 😭😭
Alien: why should I not blow up this planet?
Human: we are an advanced species
A: how do you travel?
H: we light old dinosaurs on fire
I should be getting paid for getting up at 3 am. to go pee.
I was home alone the other day and was frightened by a very loud noise, then I realized it was just my stomach growling.
I ain’t wearing no wire
Cop: So, I’m writing a ticket for driving alone in the car pool lane.
Me: You’re going to feel really stupid when you look in my trunk.
Somehow I managed to lock myself out of my laundry room. I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
The main problem with having a tattoo is that whenever you go to a small town there’s always a slight chance that the locals will have a prophecy about an outsider bearing that exact mark.
The child: (hearing someone get mad) you say that word sometimes, Mommy.
Me: What word?
The child: Funking.
Me: No, honey, I don’t ever say funking.
Discovered 24 long forgotten beers in the basement refrigerator so I’m about to crack a cold case.
I want to die from natural causes like being murdered by a sunset.
The child psychologist at my kids school doesn’t even have a degree…though I guess I shouldn’t expect a child to…
Me high af: are you in line?
Mannequin: