Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I like to start out my Wednesdays by dropping an entire cup of coffee down the stairs and crying about it for 6 minutes.

Well, shit

I jump out of bushes to give surprise breast exams. I save lives.

The police are on the lookout for me. Probably to give me an award.

[Riding carousel]

Her: um, we should move on

Me: *drunkenly trying to feed horse sugar packets* hold on, he just needs to get used to me.

Jack: I want to be nimble

Genie: ok

Jack: and also quick

Genie: ok those are the same thin-

Jack: last but not least I want to jump as high as a candle

[Our sex tape gets leaked]
Wife: Now do you believe me that you snore?

I predict the next world war will be artificial intelligence versus genuine stupidity.

Either this apartment is haunted or someone has been filling the sink with dishes & leaving notes that say, “You still owe $89 for cable.”

If you want people to stop talking,
pull out a stop watch, start it and keep staring at it.

My mom used to make sure we were wearing our seatbelts in the back seat by slamming on the brakes. She was a kind soul.

Yes, I put a semicolon in a tweet. What else am I supposed to do with my English degree?

remeber: you hav the same number of hours in the day as this tree. and how much oxygen hav u produced? oh none? oh u CONSUMED OXYGEN!?!???

I miss you like an idiot misses the point.

took a girl to starbucks because i forgot her name

Scientists are just wizards who don’t take fashion risks.

Ok I don’t get it. Kid Rock looks nothing like adult Rock

Ladies, how often do you exfoliate? I do weekly then a soothing serum and now that the boys aren’t reading anymore, are we still doing that thing where we say no holiday gifts, then act disappointed. lol I can’t stop laughing ok be cool be cool. And finish up with a night cream

“You know what? I had a speech ready but I’m going to speak from the heart”

*smashes teleprompter with a baseball bat*

Everything is about balance. A sombrero with strawberries on the one side and melons on the other, can and will cause you certain problems, I know this now

Her: You know, alot of men are going to be miserable when I marry.

Me: Well how many men do you plan to marry?

You can take your favorite hat on vacation or you can take a junk hat in case you lose it. I have forgotten both.

Find yourself a partner who’ll sneak out of bathroom windows with you at holiday parties.

I kept my married name. I don’t hate anyone enough to go to the DMV.

My 4yo held up her toy phone and announced she had “an important call to make.”

So I made sure to stay really quiet for a min because, respect.

Then I blasted the TV, begged for snacks, slammed doors & screamed “NOOOO” because, retribution.

So as far as I can tell, the Metaverse is just Animal Crossing but you’re being hunted by Mark Zuckerberg.

Ahhh…….I love the sounds of autumn; that old familiar crunch of Halloween candy wrappers on the floor.

WEDDING SUPERSTITION: It is bad luck to get married.

I know my daughter is just like me because when I asked why she didn’t like her school’s guided meditation, she said: “Because don’t tell me when to breathe, that’s why.”

hamburger doesn’t need your help.