Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

robber: me n Lenny will handle this job tonight, obviously you’re gonna be lookout again…sorry Joe

giraffe: this is bullshit Steve

Priest: look son, I think you should kick the habit

Me: ok

*nun screams*

My attempt to impress her with the tale of how I’d managed to fend off a hangry bear on a camping trip was ruined when AC decided I’d fired a warning ‘shit’, instead.

Now she thinks I’m both a coward and not to be trusted on her furniture.

BUY SUMMER CLOTHES. CRASH YOUR PLANE IN THE ANDES. EAT SUMMER CLOTHES.

Relationship Status:

My Christmas tree and I are sharing a large bottle of water.

A sip for you, a sip for me.

Your Game of Thrones name is your biggest fear spelled backwards plus the profession your guidance counselor suggested. Mine is Snwolc Clown

[first date]

HER: So do you prefer cats or dogs?

ME: *scanning the menu* I don’t even see them on here. What page are you on?

The History Channel; because where else are you going to learn about how aliens were instrumental in the development of humanity?

inventor of the sauna: it’s a box and it makes you want to die of heat and dehydration, like microdosing dying in a desert

Sorry I can’t help you move, my hands are in permanent air quotes

Apparently walking backwards reduces cellulite and bonus I bet muggers would avoid you.

HR: Did you eat all the mints that were in my jar?
me: No [some mints fall out of my mouth]
HR:
me: Yes [more mints fall out of my mouth]

The tooth fairy forgot to come last night. Luckily she woke in a panic at 5 am and visited in the nick of time.

Sliding a piece of paper over to the bank teller that says, “I have no money.”

‘gamer’ & ‘foodie’ are bullshit labels because they suggest you are something b/c you passively enjoy something everyone passively enjoys

me: [selects “send verification code as text” on a website]
me three seconds later: oh boy a tex mesage

me: I heard this cemetery was haunted

caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything weird

My wife was livid when I told her I used all of our savings to buy stock in Bose.

I told her to relax, it’s a sound investment.

Between toilet paper and forest fires, bears have a lot of responsibilities.

I like to think I’m in charge but then one sad look from my child finds me gently disposing of a dead yard mouse in a nice bag on a carefully arranged bed of leaves

Me: *trying to get comfortable on your wicker chair* I wonder if this is what sitting on shredded wheat feels like.

Vader: Join the dark side!

Luke: Maybe. What’s your Wi-Fi password?

Vader: We don’t have Wi-Fi.

Luke: I’LL NEVER JOIN YOU!

Me:
How’s that chicken babe, too spicy?

12:
Its not really spicy..

Except on the way out

Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breastmilk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.

cops at DUI checkpoints should just check to see if u texted ur ex at some point throughout the night

Two things I have learned at the beach:

1. Surfers are some of the nicest humans on the planet

2. Pelicans are the honey badgers of the bird world. If you’re standing next to a fish in the ocean, they don’t care one bit. They’ll dive & splash one foot from you & eat that fish.

ME [first time on-air as a weather man]: don’t go outside unless you want your hair to look like you just shot off the fence at Jurassic Park

Be nice to people today, we’re all just trying to get through Monday for the seventh time this month.

I’ve reached the age where I meet a person I would consider “older” and then find out they’re the same age as me.

Yet another “No DMs” bio. All this civil rights progress but bigotry against Dungeon Masters is still tolerated.