Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Siri says she is sorry but I’m not sure she means it

“Does my uniform make me look fat?” -Insecurity guard

3yo (confidently): But Mommy, people do not eat cows.
Me: Uh, bud, we do. Hamburgers are made of cow.
3yo (uncertain laughter): Mommy, that is funny for pretend. But I mean for REAL.
Me: Yes, for real!
3yo (w/ scorn) No.
Me: What do you think burgers are made of?
3yo: People?

😶

I’m sorry for the destruction I caused when my # was called at the hot dog window

I bought jalapeño chips so I wouldn’t have to share with my kids.
It’s not working. My daughter is just eating through the pain.

She’s mine

GUY: Hey, hold the elevator!
ME: *laughs to myself as I don’t hold the elevator* It’s the little things that make life worth living.

*12 hours later*

GUY: *who is apparently building maintenance* I was trying to warn you it was broken.

*Snowman wakes up in hospital*

“What happened to me?!”

Snow Doctor: Don’t worry you’re fine. But… what did you think a snow blower did?

This is exactly why pilots do a ‘walk around’ prior to flying. If not, the low tyre pressure on this aircraft (left in picture) would not have been detected. #Safety

🤣😅🤣😅 OUCH!

“Lloyd, could you keep your eyes on the road, please?” Oh. Yea. Good thinkin’. Can’t be too careful. A lot of bad drivers out there.

Don’t you feel like the bed sometimes traps us? 🛌😅 #wawawiwacomics

*NEW*

For BOXERS in the ring.
For lawyers writing BRIEFS.
For guitarists plucking G-STRINGS.

PUNderwear ®

Comfort is No Laughing Matter™

Starting my diet and training tomorrow; hope I can count on your support and prayers that I die in my sleep. Please RT.

My mom always said, ‘If you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything at all.’ Funeral was pretty quiet

@donutscoffeeme @daddygofish I was stepping over my cat today (heaven forbid that he had to move) when he flicked his tail and I stepped on it. Cat called me names I had never heard, and the evil eye was total death.

woman who cleans my house: ugh. this place is filthy

also me: lady i’m doing my best

ME: honey, just tap me on the arm tonight if you think I’ve gotten too drunk

WIFE: I’ve been tapping your arm for the last 2 hours

money maker

trust my gut? the thing that can’t even handle milk?

On the bright side, when wearing a face mask, I pick my nose in public much less often.

My daughter wants to study burrowing rodents. I told her to gopher it.

HIM: Hi, I’m Bill.
ME: Hi, I’m…oh shit this is embarrassing. I’m not really good with names.

If a bear attacks you, the best thing to do is play dead. Unless it’s Dave, the Necrophiliac Bear

Cannibals are so full of themselves and other people

Me: *rehearsing alibi speech in front of mirror
Cops: {laughing from other side of two way mirror} Is this the dumbest criminal ever?

Sorry, ma’am. I’m a solid 4 1/2. You’re an 8. You’re out of my league.

Nextdoor doesn’t always deliver, but boy oh boy when it does…

Me:*about to chop vegetables, picks up a knife,*. That’s not a knife.

*picks up a larger knife,* Now that’s a knife!

Husband: You’re starting to loose your mind a little over there Crocodile Dundee.

Kellogg’s CEO just sent a company wide email telling all employees they have till 5pm tomorrow to decide if theyre ready to go ‘coocoo for cocoa puffs’ or take severance

Sure, I’ll load the dishwasher honey. What kind of ammunition does it use?