Me: *goes for midnight jog*
My boss: *pops out of trash can* RUNNING LATE AGAIN I SEE
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M: I’m so glad school started!
12: Can you help me with my math?
M: OMG WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME?!
During the day I don’t believe in ghosts, But at night I’m a little bit more open minded
It’s curious how kids are always *really* hungry right before dinner and right after dinner, but never during actual dinner.
*4-yr old niece tells me about trip to Empire State Building
Her: It’s so tall, I almost touched the moon!
Me: Oh you are so full of shit!
Historical fact: The term “bro” originated over a hundred million years ago and was short for brontosaurus.
[gets pulled over for speeding]
Where’s the fire ma’am?
*grips lighter*
“I’m not sure yet”
Pre-diction: Baby’s first words will be garbled.
Told my 18yo we’re out of mac’n’cheese, so he’d have to do something else for lunch for once. He says, “I’ll just break into my personal stash.” Goes into his room, rummages around, comes out with two boxes of Annie’s mac’n’cheese.
?????
rent? again? no no you must be mistaken, i only just recently paid rent last month
Ladies & gentlemen, this is your pilot speaking. If you look thru the left hand windows right now you’ll see me doing the worm on the runway
“Oh damn, that’s my bus!”
If kidnappers shoved me in a car and put a bag over my head I’d try to lighten the mood by being like It’s getting darker so much earlier these days
How can a middle aged unemployed rat with 4 teenage turtles afford so much pizza?
The candy shop door swung open and he strode in. Patrons gasped and clerks hid under the counter. He put a smoke out with the heel of his boot, pulled another from his leather jacket, and gripped it with his yellowed teeth. “Oh my god,” a woman whispered, “it’s the fifth dentist”
EMINEM: his palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy
WEB MD: cancer
[Getting ready to go out]
Her: Is that what you’re wearing?
Narrator: He thought it was, but he was wrong.
At conference w/ teacher
Me:…what’s wrong with how 7yo spells states?
Teacher:(to 7yo) spell Ohio
7yo: Ohio, O-H-I-O, Ohio
Teacher: good, now spell Oklahoma
7yo: (sings) Oklahoma, O-K-L-A-H-O-M-A, Oklahoooooooma, YEAH!
Teacher:
Me: what? That’s how I learned it
#Dadlife
Funeral Request:
Spread my ashes on a windy day so I get in everybody’s eyes and mouth lol I don’t even like you guys
i’m planning to eat the rich, but can i sub out fries for a salad?
Yoda, seeing himself in 4K:
HDMI
The amount of time my phone spends plugged in you may as well call it a landline
My 7yr old was legit mad at me because I wouldn’t let her practice giving me a Covid test with Q-tips. The meltdown was torture but I feel like I made the right choice.
Hypnotist: you’re getting very sleepy
Me, at any hour of the day: how did you know?
That awkward moment you tell someone they need to take their Halloween profile picture down and they never put one up.
*sees hot guy
*wiggles eyebrows
*licks lips
*winks, contact lens falls into coffee, sips coffee, gags on contact lens*mouths* “call me”
Please join me in prayer for my two year old daughter, her sleeve is wet.
Earth: Sorry, but I love the sun now, and nothing’s going to come between us.
Moon: *throws shade*
Girlfriends are always complaining, you don’t remember this, you don’t remember that!!
Well we are men, not memory foam!
#mattressjokes
When I yell the wrong name in bed I blame autocorrect.
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.