Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.

Guacamole is my favorite food that looks like someone already ate it.

happy to report that “what time is it/time for you to get a watch” is still being used by the youths

16: What flavour yogurt is pilot’s favourite?

I don’t know.

16: Plain.

You’re going to be such a great dad.

Her: What’s for dinner?

Me: Remember what we had last night? Cream of that….

I saw a girl wearing a shirt that just said CANCER on the front and it took me five minutes to stop feeling sorry for her and realize that was her astrology sign.

My Uncle is either a good taxidermist or a bad vet.

I went to handshake someone and he basically just gripped my thumb and I’m never going to be popular

every college guy’s fridge

“Don’t put all your eggs in one basket” is just a line fed to us by Big Basket.

I ain’t never seen a alligator so happy to be getting a toothbrush bath 😭

Can anyone live in a sewer or do you have to be a clown or a Ninja Turtle

It sucks that crazy people ruined wearing tinfoil hats for those of us that just did it for fashion purposes

Fact:
“Intercourse” sounds more like it’s about vehicular traffic than sex.

Every man was once a man trapped in a woman’s body.

If the name of a show is just some guy’s name you know its about a killer.
E.g. Dexter, Barry, Arthur

Some people can never, ever admit they’re wrong. I’m not one of them though I was definitely wrong about you

I once snuck my cat into a grocery store just to show him what a lazy hunter I am.

When you see a picture of my kids and it’s captioned “The reason I wake up every day” it’s not me being sweet. It’s the truth, I literally cannot sleep-in with these little heathens in the house.

Sometimes I answer your rhetorical questions because I think you are that stupid.

If you love something set it on fire. If it doesn’t die, you have a dragon.

HR called me in today and told me I have a bad attitude. So they’re transferring me over to IT and giving me a raise.

Thinking about stepping down from being an adult, I’m just not in the right headspace for this position right now.
I really appreciate the opportunity though.

The lengths my ex will go to in order to make me jealous are astounding. Like getting married and having a kid. IT’S NOT WORKING, JANET

I’m not saying that my kids don’t love me, but if I’m ever held hostage at gunpoint and they have to answer a “yes or no” question in order for me to survive, then I’m definitely going to die because the first word out of my kids mouths is going to be “why.”

I looked into it and it would only cost $20 or $30 to rent a stall at a farmers market and put out a bunch of empty crates and if someone makes eye contact you smile sheepishly and say “Forgot to farm”

I don’t know who named them safety pins, but I’ve been stabbed by them more than any other pin.

me: in or out

dog: yep

me: which one

dog: you bet