Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Marriage is like Disneyland. Magical at first but then you realize that there’s someone else in the Mickey suit.

HEADS UP: I was at just at the mall and they must’ve recently installed those speed bumps that scream in pain

I ran into a hot guy at the grocery store last week and he hasn’t tracked me down and proposed to me yet. This is why I hate movies.

Best things to pull:

9 Rank
8 Strings
7 The plug
6 The trigger
5 Your leg
4 Your head out
3 A fast one
2 Yourself together
1 My finger

Friend: Can I borrow a pen?
Me: Sure!
*looks in purse*
*pulls out perfume, 17 Hershey kisses, a stapler & a baby goat*
Me: Sorry, no pen. 🙁

Maybe people are the dumbest creatures on Earth, and animals just pretend to be dumber to avoid talking to us.

Grandma confused about Tide Pods “kids these days eating those podcasts”….

WIFE: I want a new baby monitor for Christmas

ME: k

[Christmas morning]

WIFE: um

PRESENT UNDER TREE: *hisses and rustles*

ME: you should open that one first

i’ll tell you this, anyone who breaks into my house is gonna find out why you don’t mess with a guy who collects sparklers

Wife: you can trust me

Me: last week you told me I’d look good with a ponytail

Wife:

Me:

Wife: you can usually trust me

My cat acts pretty tough for someone who disappears for 3 days anytime I sneeze.

Remember before Amazon reviews when you could just buy a toothbrush without 6 hours of research?

30% of parenting is just asking,
“Why is this wet?”

Dude at the gym: whoa that’s a lot of weight

Me: [picking up my stack of bills again] yea man and that’s just this month

I wonder if dogs have different names for themselves than the ones we give them, like “why tf he keep calling you Buster, David?”

Is ChatGPT my father in law because it keeps making stuff up and passing it as fact

I finally shaved that big toe this morning. Watch out world because I’m comin’ for you now.

I told my daughter her friend couldn’t come over today bc her Mom is a psycho, and she was on FaceTime with her friend.

mom: are you kids committing seppuku in there
me: [trying to scoop my guts back inside me] NO
mom: ok… no seppuku

What an insane day. Still can’t believe I tried cauliflower pasta for the first time.

I just turned on my car’s seat warmer to keep my Chipotle order warm in case you wondered how seriously I take Taco Tuesday.

ACCORDING TO ALL KNOWN LAWS
OF AVIATION,

THERE IS NO WAY A BEE
SHOULD BE ABLE TO FLY.

ITS WINGS ARE TOO SMALL TO GET
ITS FAT LITTLE BODY OFF THE GROUND.

THE BEE, OF COURSE, FLIES ANYWAY

BECAUSE BEES DON’T CARE
WHAT HUMANS THINK IS IMPOSSIBLE.

I don’t understand parents who always think their kids are blameless, I always assume mine are guilty and hope to be pleasantly surprised

Me: haha should I get out and push

Everyone on The Submarine: YES

traveling back in time to proudly inform benjamin franklin that my stove has wifi

Burning rubber…

While driving a race car: Good
While using a condom: Bad

Her: You’re up to a pack a day now—you have to cut back.

Me: [petting the alpha male of the wolf pack I just adopted] I can quit anytime.

Lights that commit crimes are sent to prism

The people who make sexy noises when they stretch are my kinda people.