ME: *goes on mute after giving update on a conference call*
MY 4 Y/O: [standing behind me baffled] daddy, what does any of that even mean?
ME: i don’t know, girl. i don’t know
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He asked where I wanted to go for dinner, and that’s how the fight got started.
Free pizza at work got me like “Fine, I’ll come back on Monday”.
Nothing prepares you for the metamorphosis of when you open your mouth and your mother comes out.
*new parents*
Him: I’ve been sleeping with someone else.
Her: YOU’VE BEEN SLEEPING!!
What kind of emotional tailspin causes people to “like” Lysol on Facebook?
snowing hard this morning. Bus driver slid through a red light. Only thing he said was “we slidin” i cant stop thinking about this
moderator: your word is “impatient”
sloth: can you use it
moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“
sloth: in a
moderator: you know what close enough *ding*
sloth: oh great thank you
moderator: what the
the guy who came up with the name “eggnog” should get to name more things
No LinkedIn, I am not “open to work,” I am required to work
Friend: Let’s go to the game next week
Me: Let me check my calendar
Also me: (yelling into the next room) Honey!
Give me a few strong men, and I’ll build a nation. Give me a few hot women, and I’ll conquer the world.
My husband pissed me off today so I told him that I can’t wait to see what he had planned for our special day tomorrow
There is nothing special about tomorrow
But there is something special about watching the color leave his face as the panic takes over
Gravity is just the earth being really clingy
If you’re worried that you added too much cheese to the recipe I am here to reassure you that you did not
I bet if you walked up to any table at a restaurant and said “Good afternoon folks” they will let you take their order.
If I had a parrot I’d teach it to say “I know where they buried the bodies”
[Inventor of scented candles]
What if we made candles that could fill up a room with a lovely smell but made a disgusting smoke that would undo hours of scent when blown out?
Waitress shouted after me for not paying and like an idiot I said, “you too!”
[leaning over bathroom sink]
Me: *clips fingernail*
Fingernail: *lands in Italy*
Just remember, you’re my “plus one,” and not my “hostage.”
Kid: My sandwich has too much peanut butter on it.
Me: *makes new sandwich*
Kid: This one has too little.
Me: *makes one just right*
Kid: I don’t like peanut butter anymore.
My favorite part of football is when players “look to God.”
Because He’s all, “I can’t do shit for the Middle East but I’m rooting for YOU.”
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to complain to the manager.
I don’t know if this is a good idea.
Narrator: He knew, in fact, it was an awful idea.
Me: God, please stop giving me your toughest battles
God: you literally just have to empty the dishwasher
Him: I love you, you smart, gorgeous woman.
Me: *Picks bug off of him and eats it*
“It’s fine with me if Mom says ok”
– the original two-step verification
Backstreet Boys: Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely.
Me: *slow dances with cats around a pot of mac & cheese*
(Toy store)
ME: “Where do you keep the Schwarzenegger dolls?”
Clerk: “Aisle B, back”
My daughter has fallen in with the wrong crowd at school and likes country music now.