Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

warning lights and gentle chimes are not enough, when my car is low on gas I need it to punch me in the face

cop: show me your hands

dahmer: *opens fridge*

How to be happier:
1. Exercise
2. Lift weight

3. When you’ve become stronger due to those exercises, smack the person who made you unhappy.

Me: You said you wouldn’t dream of disturbing me
my kid: Yeah, but this isn’t a dream

Wife: Don’t you think the yard needs to be mowed?
(from my recliner I check google maps satellite view of our house)
Me: It looks fine to me

Absolutely stellar ‘people in the papers pointing at the thing that’s made them angry’ today

Me: I’m having a problem with my computer:
IT guy: Have you tried punching it?
Me: That’s the first thing I tried. I’m not an idiot.

If I see someone has deliberately parked their big expensive car so that no one can use the space next to them I will do everything I can to try and squeeze in to the spot. My record is 6 minutes of careful manoeuvring and having to exit through the boot.

In today’s edition of ‘AI isn’t smart enough to kill us yet,’ Dane Cook is trending under Food.

Is there a class for just the karate noises?

There should be a guy with a leaf blower to dry my hands in the washroom at Home Depot.

*buys a bunch of stuff at Costco*

Sir, you wanna box for those?

“Nah, I hate violence. Can I just pay cash?”

I haven’t asked any of my coworkers what they’re doing for Thanksgiving bc I treat people the way I want to be treated.

Wife: Use your fingers to make me squirm

Me: *plays Baby Shark on Fisher Price xylophone*

Probably the worst thing about the death of print media is the devastating effect it’s having on the producers of traditional ransom notes.

Who called it inspirational posting and not chicken soup for the scroll?

Automated text response: Please allow 7-10 business days for a response, longer if I don’t like you.

If you don’t get my sarcasm, you obviously lack a sense of humor

If I don’t get your sarcasm, you just suck at it

My doctor said to have a reasonable meal for dinner, so I talked some sense into my pizza.

Yes hello 911, I put a smaller microwave inside a bigger microwave and now there’s a wormhole in my kitchen

It is important not to say “be careful” to a toddler as they will interpret it as a challenge and things won’t end well

At Costco I just bought my cemetery plot, my casket, and the 80 lb bag of beef jerky that will eventually kill me. One stop shopping.

[Dinner with GF’s parents]
Thank you for having me over, can I use the bathroom?
“MAY I use the bathroom”
*slams fists down*
I ASKED FIRST

The longest 36 hours of my day is from the moment I tell my kids good night to the moment they are actually asleep.

Curious, how many years do you keep a mismatched sock before you can get rid of it? Is it like taxes? 7years?

Just took $20 out of my friend Martin’s wallet (he has ALS) because that ice bucket nonsense ruined my new kimono.

Sometimes, when I think about the word ruminate, it gets embedded in my mind, and I just can’t stop thinking about it.

My husband just told me to relax, like he doesn’t remember we’re camping in the desert and I brought a shovel.

My gf asked me if I’d continue to love her even after marriage and i said yes.
Then..she got married.

I’m sorry, but nothing is topping this 😭