me: *goes outside during the day* why is the moon is so spicy
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OJ Simpson now has a Twitter Account. I’m sure he’ll kill it here
One time in med school we had a lecture on the dangers of sleep deprivation and it was an Alanis Morissette level of irony that the lecture was at 7am.
Told my daughter it’s against the law to play April Fool’s Day pranks on parents so everyone back me up on this
My cousin met her husband five years ago on tinder and are now married with kids but she still has him in her phone as “Tom Tinder”
There’s a crying baby on every flight I’m on and it’s always me
Yogi’s cousin Yoga Bear teaches classes at the maul & carried off a camper named Matt.
Me: I need to sleep
Ambien: do worms have buttholes? You should text your boss
The news reported a story about an angry woman, in a grocery store, that drop-kicked a cake.
Dear God, woman. Not the cake!
I call loading the dishwasher “quantum physics” because no one else in this house knows how to do that either.
Pushed a 15 year old dog in a stroller and not once did she ask for Cheerios or a juice box.
Can you fail a drug test from a mosquito bite?
Asking for the next person this mosquito bites.
Daughter: [giving me attitude]
Me [picking up phone]: That’s it, I’m calling Santa.
Daughter: Dad I’m 24.
I’m at the age where I can remember things that never happened.
I hate it when I’m naked and all lathered up with soap and then run out of quarters at the car wash.
no caffeine: day 6
-sleeping better
-stable moods
-less anxious
-can’t think straight
-i’m exhausted
-3 people are dead
Equally cool alternatives to air guitar:
Air slap bass
Air harmonica
Silent pig auctions
Balloons hitting people
The letter Q
I set my GPS voice to Mom, and now when I miss a turn, it says “Your sister wouldn’t have missed that.”
It infuriates me that computer Scrabble doesn’t get mad when I win even though I’m livid when it wins.
[unhooks bra on 3rd try]
“Sir, please don’t touch the mannequins.”
Does anyone know how to save your game on twitter I’ve been playing for 2 years straight my mom is pissed
Going back in time, y’all need anything?
Kids movies really made me believe that the greatest threats on earth were dogcatchers and quicksand
Apparently Zoom sleepovers are a thing and my 11yo is “going” to one tonight.
Now instead of one household taking one for the team and listening 6 preteen girls all night.
6 households have to listen to 6 preteen girls all night.
Thanks 2020!!!
I’m a conflict avoider until someone wants to share my food
Me: oh wow, this shop has everything my heart desires!
Spooky shopkeeper: yes, I will warn you… every item comes with a price.
Me: yes, I know how shops work
*First Date*
Me: *Flirting* You have to promise not to fall in love with me.
Him: There’s cheese in your hair. And we haven’t eaten yet.
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
Me: preferably over some type of heat source
Shovelling the driveway with a heating pad jammed down the back of my shirt, the extension cord attached to the house like I’m an astronaut.
*Removes smoke detector battery
**Cooks in silence
Reminder: Before taking your first bite into a fast food sandwich you need to redistribute the pickles.