Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

haha remember when you were a kid you’d hide inside the clothes racks at stores. can’t do that as an adult. someone’s stupid kid is in there

presenting your incognito window wrapped

[getting mugged]
ME: *leans in for a kiss*
MUGGER: *slowly backs away*
ME: haha this is so us

Just watched a dog chase its tail for 10 min., thought “damn so easily entertained” then realized I watched a dog chase his tail for 10 min.

To tree roots that look remarkably like snakes:

You’re not funny.

Sometimes when I look into the sky I get overwhelmed with emotion and eat the nearest entire tree and everything living in that tree

Lady at my gym is pedaling a stationary bike while eating chips right out of the bag. I’m hiring her as my personal trainer.

When someone asks me a question that I can tell is gonna turn a rude corner, I like to trap them with my Keep Going facial expression. Eyebrows lifted, face tilted, slight smile. And then I wait, ready with a pleasant Yikes.

Please don’t tell me about your childhood problems, this was my moms cars air conditioning growing up

Kevin looks up from the soda machine where he was about to pour himself a small diet coke. Outside, the world is ending. Time to cut loose, he thinks. He puts back the small cup, and pours a medium diet coke.

Avocado Toast was invented by the Deep State as a way to suppress the economic advancement of millennials

Terribly Tuesday.

everything i’ve learned about megan fox and machine gun kelly has been against my will

date: I like it when guys know what they want in life

me: *megaphone right in her face* ham

I see you people drinking from your water bottles without spilling or choking, flaunting your superiority in our faces like that

They say a symptom of Covid is loss of taste.
Looking back at my exes? I think I’ve been infected for years

My phone encourages me to get exercise, monitors my heart rate and tells me when to go to bed.

I think it’s one of the most nurturing relationships I’ve ever had.

I don’t know at what age I started dressing like the upholstery of my grandma’s plastic wrapped furniture, but here we are.

be careful out there! #FiftyShadesOfGrey

tamagotchi my fitbit
owners
🤝
trying to keep a weird
little guy alive

I love traveling with my husband because it gives us an opportunity to bicker in new and exotic locations.

Technically lava can kill coronavirus, but there’s a good reason why no-one is using it in the fight against the ongoing pandemic: nothing else would survive the encounter with molten rock either.

My 4yo pretended she was a hired cleaner yesterday as. As she helped me clean she asked if I had any kids. After telling her about my 2 I asked if she had any of her own. Turns out she has 5 kids and has been married to a man named Carlin for 30 years. You think you know someone.

I never had to swim for my life in a shark attack but once I had to doggy-paddle really fast to get out of a pool when it was dessert time.

Every time you ask a woman about pregnancy or childbirth she’ll go “Oh it wasn’t so bad, I was actually really lucky. All that happened was—“ and then tell the most terrifying story you’ve ever heard.

Mehh

~Goat, sighing..

[date smiles as I pour more wine] it’s like you’re trying to get me drunk for something brent [me selecting 2 players on mortal kombat] haha

Seeing a bicycle cop is like seeing a snake wearing a lil top hat. Like I know you’re dangerous but c’mon, look at you lol

So I’m enjoying the cinematography and outfits but the script could do with a few more jokes.
#Coronation

Why is it, once you pick up a flyswatter, the little buggers never land