Me: *Goes outside to take out the trash only wearing underwear.
(Because 6 ft high privacy fence, goddamnit).
Neighbour: *on ladder* “Hi!”We need to move
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Coworker: don’t you hate it when you get so busy you forget to eat?
Me: imma stop you right there
Imagining serif fonts taking off their little hats and shoes when they get home from work
i actually have good reason to shoot the messenger. for one, i do NOT like what he’s telling me
I don’t know who needs to hear this today, but you are valued and you are loved.
Unless you talk on speakerphone in public.
In which case, everyone hates you.
All I’m saying is nothing is more annoying than people who ask “Why do you let them annoy you?”
I didn’t survive various alcohol poisoning events in the 90’s just to get taken out by a virus
Where do you weigh a pie?
Somewhere over the rainbow … weigh a pie…
My kid wouldn’t eat it after he ordered it so I had to: A parents guide.
Sometimes I think about the time I ditched school and hitchhiked and got picked up by a substitute teacher.
Someone want to tell my kids that the color of the bowl has NO EFFECT ON THE FLAVOR OF THE FOOD!!
Does anything good ever escape from a lab
Before seeing why your toddler has been quiet for 10 mins it’s best to first call the plumber and write your apology letter to the landlord.
I’ve reviewed your insurance & laughter really is the best medicine.
Boss to staff: “What incentives would make you work harder?”
Staff member: “Bonus!”
Boss: “I’m not boning any of you.”
people in fantasy novels absolutely love removing from their knapsack some bread and hard cheese
ME: So. You from around here?
HER: Yes. You’re in my bedroom closet.
Apparently, this is how the world ends.
My workout goals are simple: I’d just like to be able to get up off the floor without looking like a turtle trying to flip itself back over.
#FunnyLife Insects
“Bro I hate my eyebrows”
“You serious bro?”
“I think they’re too big, bro”
“Bro, with your face shape, they perfectly frame your eyes. I would kill for your brows, bro”
“Bro :’)”
Where there’s a pill, there’s a yay.
[300 consecutive hours sitting at the same table]
waiter: [out of breath] and those are our local craft brews
mowed ⅓ of the lawn before my body remembered I haven’t exercised in 40 years
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
jesus [resurrected from the dead]: alright boys let’s get them eggs
peter: w-what
jesus: egg hunt it’s a thing we’re doing now
john: are you ok
peter: jesus you seem a little… off
jesus: *turning chicken into marshmallow* you have to do this every year
2015. Worse than the death of paper is the death of staplers. Rest in peace you sexy plastic alligators.
Champagne says I’m classy. Vodka says I can do anything I want. My therapist says I have to stop talking to my drinks.
Sex so good my Fitbit gave me a trophy.
Triceratops seeks Tricerabottom
-Jurassic period Grindr
There better be a martial arts tournament in Australia called Mortal Wombat