Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I found an extra $9 in the bank! Get dressed baby we’re going to Little Caeser’s!

If you don’t know the right way to bend your knees and lower yourself for exercise purposes then you don’t know squat.

I’ve only been eating 6 spiders instead of 8 every year so I’ll have plenty for retirement.

Me: Dad, how did you guys manage without WhatsApp and SMS ??

Dad: We used to keep useless information to ourselves.

My 4yo said “daddy, I have two poops on my phone” and I was thankful to see they were just emojis

Now.
What do we want?
Time traveller jokes.
When do we want them?

I love how insurance companies offer “accident forgiveness” like they’re some sort of ancient deity pardoning your existence.

I want to buy a haunted house, not so haunted where I can’t live in it but enough so my kids don’t get out of bed in the middle of the night.

when super mario bros. was released in russia it was much less popular under the title “you are toilet man fight turtle monster”

You know you’re tired when you kneel on the ground pick something up and then have to decide if it’s easier to get up or just live there now

The way I gotta put my hands up after eating a sandwich to prove to my dog I don’t have any left… the trust issues

STOP. PUTTING. DIARRHOEA. MEDICINE. ON. THE. BOTTOM. SHELF

Why do all Gas Station restrooms look
like you just walked in on an exorcism.

My ex got married yesterday. Should I send them a card or just the screenshots of him trying to get me back when they were dating ?

Jim Carrey: (doing standup) who here is left handed

Audience:

Jim Carrey: all righty then

Everyone is at the store buying milk and bread to prepare for the snow. I’m buying frozen pizza. Enjoy your milk sandwiches, losers!

The Innuendo Society has reported a huge rise in its members

At my funeral take the bouquet off my casket and throw it in the crowd to see who next

Superhero Movies Love to Have Villains Who Are Totally Right… Until They’re Randomly Super Wrong

Narrator: they had a son born in 2001

Me: omg he must be like 10 by now that’s crazy

Establish dominance in the mom group by looking the other moms in the eye as you jump on a trampoline without going to the bathroom first.

A little known historical fact is that Alexander the Great had a younger brother named Bob the Pretty Okay

[me, to my brother] I can’t believe we’ve never been to Coachella

[my Ukrainian grandfather] when I your age, bear eat my wife

Me: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Ryan Gosling?
Him: Me? No, but thank-
Me: Ok just making sure.

Sex is like pizza. Turtles are having it in the sewers.

*buys two $5 copies of Math For Dummies*

*pays $47.00*

Sometimes a man has needs that can’t be fulfilled in the home.
[goes to animal shelter and pets all the cats]

ME: I think I have coronavirus, every morning I wake up aching and sick. It usually goes away by the afternoon, but the next day same thing.
FRIEND: It’s a hangover. You’re drinking 2 bottles of wine a night in quarantine.
ME: My God… wine causes the coronavirus!

“What do you see in him?”
– me to the x-ray tech imaging my kid

I just read a thing that said I should compliment myself on my decisions, regardless of outcome. No thanks, I’m not the government.