I tell people I broke my neck playing sports but it was actually from flicking my ponytail to unleash ancient curses.
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who else gets a little disappointed when the emergency broadcast test isn’t an actual emergency? it’s like, hurry up already aliens
[remembering phone charger is in my pocket as I jump from empire state building]
omg this is gonna hurt
Cop: *Hands me ticket
“I’ll see you in court.”Me: *Seductively winks
“Sure is a lot of trouble just to see me again.”Cop: …
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
Mehh
~Goat, sighing..
technically mixed martial arts can include tickle fighting
Marie Kondo Vs. Hoarders
“Do these 370 cats bring you joy?”
“Yes. Get out!”
I’m starting to think the sharks on “Shark Week” eat people just to get on tv.
If you beat a man with a mustache in a fist fight, you get to keep his mustache.
lawyer: juror number four why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency.
My greatest joy in life is when a friend reads a book I recommend.
My greatest frustration in life is when they don’t read it fast enough
If looks could kill
Sorry, can’t. My husband is having a snoring contest with the dog and apparently I’m the judge.
“Look we LOVE the script for ‘Murder Bees’, just change the name to ‘My Girl’ and you’ve got yourself a movie!!”
Parenting just means you have to pretend you like to eat fruits and vegetables in front of your kids knowing you’d rather eat a cheeseburger instead.
Why is it called “fixing a flat” and not “retirement?”
wife calling me in the grocery store: where are you???
me: i’m over in the cereal.
wife: but i’m in the cereal aisle.
me: *whispers* open the box.
The key to a successful marriage is a sense of humor. For example, I make a joke about my husband and he laughs, and he makes a joke about me and I get the bed all to myself.
there were like 2 years when american internet culture was obsessed with bacon and at the time we thought that was as bad as it could get
me: I wish there were more hours in my day
the sun at 5:30 a. m.: hey
m; eew. no. not you.
son: how did I get my name
me: *holds up baby name book*
son: ugh terrible
me: shut up ISBN 978-1910336526
Her: Your house has a lot of cool stuff in it… Who plays the piano?
Me: Pretty much anybody who is trying to get on somebody’s nerves.
a bathrobe is being naked with plausible deniability and pockets.
I got new neighbors. Very noisy girls. I unsuccessfully asked them to lower their music severally. Unsuccessfully informed caretaker. So today, I’d had enough. I put on Spotify, tweaked the Sony system to 100, & left. My phone is ringing like nonsense. Unsuccessfully.
Why do people say its not you… it’s me in a breakup? Yeah it’s YOU, you’re an idiot! I’m amazing… ask your brother!
At my funeral, I want them to play “Thriller” and have someone that looks like me climb out of a casket, dancing.
(wins at death)
One of my buddies lost his right arm in a car accident which is a huge bummer, so much money wasted on tattoos
Need to get rid of an annoying guest or person on the phone? Take a kazoo to the speaker and blow it directly into their ear.
You’re welcome.
Whole Foods just notified me that I’ve won a “Lifetime Supply of Fresh Kale” which in my case is one kale.