Me going back to a library branch I used to work at to pick something up
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Never understood the desperation behind placing ur order in English at KFC/McD. Heard a guy practicing his order while sanding in the queue.
*Snowman wakes up in hospital*
“What happened to me?!”
Snow Doctor: Don’t worry you’re fine. But… what did you think a snow blower did?
Husband: you’re in great condition.
Me: are you complimenting me or writing a craigslist ad?
[me giving a TED Talk]
*repeatedly pronounces a hard first ‘c’ in ‘science’*
“Cake by the Ocean” probably has some alternate meaning but I’m too old to really care so I like to think it’s about a nice, young fellow eating birthday cake on the beach.
Teens today stuck inside all day long playing video games.
In my day, we spent all day outside smoking hash oil & cigarettes with friends.
My tall sister took the vodka out of the cupboards above the fridge.
I always thought those doors were just there for decoration.
I broke my finger yesterday. On the other hand, I’m okay.
I was sad to lose an arm wrestling match to a woman, but I felt better after I found out she was a man. Then sad again because we had sex.
This has got to be the Twitter exchange of the day.
If they tweet about you, establish dominance by retweeting them.
– How much for the mobile tampon?
– Ma’am?
– It’s a bit big.
– Ma’am, it’s a lamb.
– Does it make that sound because it has detected blood?
Not all crimes are bad. For example: If there was a crow sized hole in a bank vault & a crow decided to sneak into the vault to bring me a shiny coin, every day, for years… This would be good actually.
Must be nice to only have body issues once a year.
Me: [being murdered]
Murderer: Ok you have got to stop smiling. It’s really starting to creep me out.
White parent Vs Arab parents
ME AT 19: I stayed in a youth hostel with 20 strangers
ME IN MY 40s: This hotel bed is a bit smaller than at home and my wife’s leg touched me in the middle of night and now my vacation is ruined
Instead of a DING DONG sound, I wish my doorbell would explain to the person how much I don’t want to get off the couch.
There should be a good 15 hours in between waking up and having to interact with people.
I’m not saying my husband and I are scared of our 3yo, but we just did Rock Paper Scissors to determine who was going to take the baseball bat away from him.
I read my daughter a book about a Frogapotamus last night and dreamt of riding one. Tonight I’m reading her Hugh Jackman’s autobiography.
Arnold Schwarzenegger’s Terminator is a drapery salesman in the new movie.
His new catchphrase?
“I’ll be back….with some swatches I think you’re just going to LOVE.”
*dog pokes me with nose*
*stop, it’s late*
(Dog looks at me with sad eyes)
*ugh, ok*
[sets up poker table for him and his friends]
[watching Harry Potter in bed]
Harry: please leave
Why did they make Courtney Cox? Because Lisa Kudrow.
Me: *successfully puts out fire* Did I pass?
Cooking instructor: No.
“The author clearly signals that this is a tale told by an unreliable narrator,” I explained, gesturing to the stack of forms.
The IRS agents were not amused.
I think my husband is beginning to suspect
becoming “fast friends” with someone is fun, but let’s not forget fast enemies. you ever meet someone and immediately you’re just like oh yeah this person is my enemy now