Me going back to a library branch I used to work at to pick something up
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robber: alright everybody hit the floor!
me, wearing applebottom jeans and the boots with the fur: my time has come
My real mom put me up for adoption because the cat was allergic to me 🙁
mafia boss: “i want you to send tony the rat a message”
me: “like what”
mafia boss: “a horses head or sumthin”
me: [sends txt: “hey tony 🐴”]
If you know a girl who uses metric I’d love to meter.
TEACHER: if i have 5 apples and take away 2, what’s left
KID: your left or my left
My wife: let me borrow your phone a sec …
Me: [cartwheels into a volcano]
I really admire my daughter’s restraint. When we were reunited after a week apart she waited 5 whole minutes before asking what I brought her
What idiot called it blood spatter instead of axe body spray
The problem with spices is sometimes they are not what you want, what you really really want…
My little girl will never have daddy issues.
But her future boyfriends will.
Me at 25: I would never date anyone who smokes.
Me now: I would never date anyone.
Why don’t the enemies of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles just flip them on their backs?
mary: my water broke
joseph: why do I smell grapes
*seductively unhooks bra, & two cheese balls fall out*
I’m not going to pay a million dollars to go see a Macbeth movie when I can print off the Shakespeare script for free and go be all the characters in my car
I had a jacket stolen from me tonight. My enemies will stop at nothing to keep me from maintaining a comfortable body temperature in style
*Weather changes*
BODY: This is weird. Must have an asthma attack.
*Anything else changes*
MIND: This is weird. Must have a panic attack.
“Hey, Mr Tambourine Man, play a song for me.”
*shakes tambourine*
“Got any others?”
*shakes tambourine*
“Sounds a lot like the last one”
Apparently pumping to a woman means something entirely different.
I thought she meant the gym.
I wondered why my cereal tasted funny…😫😫😫
ugh fine
…i guess since i’m a
pisces i’ll marry aquaman
I’m the outdoorsy type. I hate being chained to a desk all day, but management say they have no choice until I stop biting my coworkers.
A super moon is just like a regular moon except Lois Lane doesn’t recognize it when it’s wearing horn rimmed glasses
Back to the Future but it’s just me trying to break my parents up at the school dance
Maybe Kate Middleton ran away with me. You don’t know.
CUSTOMER: [handing me a 20] can I have two 5’s and a 10?
ME: [thinking of the girl who wrote ‘never change’ in my high school yearbook] no
What I said: Brush your teeth.
What my 4yo heard: Use the toothbrush to clean the bathroom floor.
My foot just now fell asleep which means I’ve finally gained its trust.
*comes outside months after coronavirus is done*
FRIEND: You didn’t have to quarantine that long.
ME: There’s been quarantines?
*puts finger over your lips*
Shhhhhhhhhhhhh
*feeds you more applesauce making airplane noises*
can’t bark with your mouth full