Me: [going in for a hug]
Loudspeaker: SECURITY TO THE OCTOPUS TANK
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Me: I consider myself a pretty easygoing guy
Also me: *gets angry about the size of box amazon uses*
me: well, they sell flower arrangements at the grocery store
florist: I understand your point, we just don’t carry peanut butter
If you’re curious what the priciest item in a store is just bring a kid along because they’ll definitely find then break it
Generation gap…
It’s an epidemic…
48 hr deodorant only lasts 8 hours. Welcome to my TED Talk.
My standup has no deeper message and if I find out I’m empowering anyone or anything I’ll quit.
Doctor: Did you take those pills I gave you last month?
Me: The package said “Take on an empty stomach” so, not yet.
My husband and I are co-counsel in trial today.
We already had an argument about who would drive to the courthouse.
This should be good.
My kid just said good nightmare instead of goodnight, so no, I will not be sleeping this evening.
I know it’s wrong to label people, but since I bought my label-maker it’s all I can think about.
Halifax authorities had to remove a deer from a downtown bar. Proving once and for all that Halifax bouncers don’t check IDs.
I’m invincible. I can not be Vinced
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
I text him the eggplant emoji along with “I would like this tonight” (because I’m planning dinner) and I have never seen a man so excited for vegetables.
wife: you need to do more around the house
me: can you change the subject please?
wife: yes, this house needs more work done by you
I can’t name one person who is absolutely 100% useless to society
But my Dad did
Spider-Man, but set in rural Norfolk so he just has to walk everywhere.
Me: You don’t have to tell me twice.
Narrator: 38 times. You have to tell her 38 times.
To the people who tell expectant parents to “stock up on sleep while you can,” please know that’s not how sleep works.
*a ship carrying pineapples gets wrecked*
Government: Housing infrastructure for SpongeBobs was delivered directly to them, cutting out all the red tape, and middlemen.
Whenever I hear “let me tell you the truth”, I secretly cross my fingers, hoping they say “brownies are healthy, eat as many as you want.”
I know that I’m tall and pale and round, but there’s no need to call for the Ghostbusters and scream that Stay Puft is attacking the city again
Me: I’ll just take a regular bikini wax. Or should I go Brazilian? What do you think?
Nurse: Ma’am, I’m just here to take out your catheter.
So many people recognized me with my mask on that I had to cross Bank Robber off my list of career options
people misspelling definitely as defiantly is one of my pet hates however I do like seeing a status like “defiantly getting a chinese tonight” and imagining someone booting down the door of peking garden.
Sometimes your ankle takes a vacation while you’re walking.
Facebook: losing friends.
Twitter: gaining friends
Instagram: gaining weight
If life gives you lemons just be thankful that life didn’t give you gonorrhea instead because making lemonade would be very painful