Me: [going in for a hug]
Loudspeaker: SECURITY TO THE OCTOPUS TANK
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Sadly learned my family is racist. I started dating a black girl. Brought her home to meet the family. Wife and kids wouldn’t talk to her.
Is it a compliment when someone says, “You look great, I didn’t even recognize you?”
she think she can manipulate me wit them crystals, girl u is not Thanos
There you go again, overusing big words like some kind of tweeting sesquipedalian.
Idiot.
“I want the box where I poop to smell like my poop or else I won’t want to poop there. Whoa whoa, not THAT much like my poop! Jesus!” – cats
What idiot named them twins instead of wombmates?
hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. the captain can’t talk cause we both said “hope we don’t die haha” at the same time and i jinxed him
This is just an IMMACULATE use of Reddit. Peak app performance.
what’s more important?
Hate when Walmart doesn’t have what I need & I have to go home, change out of my pajamas & brush my hair so I can go to Target
How do I delicately tell my toddler that her birthday is actually 254 days away and not tomorrow like she says it is? With a cake? Maybe some balloons?? A few new toys wrapped in wrapping paper???
*Goes to work*
*Punches clock*
*Gets fired for breaking clock*
I still remember how great water out of a squirt gun tasted. That hint of polyethylene.
The Scarecrow didn’t have the brains, Tin Man didn’t have the heart, and the Lion didn’t have the courage. So Dorothy remained a virgin.
Life hack: If you are sad. Don’t cry at home, wait until you go to work and cry in the bathroom. That way you’ll get pay as you cry. Cheat the system.
My grandfather came to this country with nothing but the shirt on his back. When he got here, the cops made him put on pants, too.
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you have extremely good judgement.
robber: alright this is a robbery
dad: no this is a bank
robber: damnit dad not now
Imagine being a medium and having to talk to dead people as well as living people. That’s too many people.
My turd eating dog just spit out something I cooked if anyone wants to come to dinner.
Idk guys, life has never thrown me lemons.
Social anxiety, insomnia, mental breakdowns, drugs and eating disorders..
But never lemons.
DOCTOR: I’m gonna order another round…
ME: whoa you guys serve here?
DOCTOR:…of tests.
“I just talk a lot when I’m nervous.”
-Narrator: In reality, she talked a lot, all the time.
[Wedding night]
Me: Finally! I’ve waited SO long for this
New Father in Law: You’re in the wrong room
Me: Am I? *winks forever*
Preparing myself for a post apocalyptic wasteland by learning how to sleep without the TV on
How do you even keep up with current trends if you don’t have a teenager in your life to ridicule your choices?
The Lion King is my favorite movie about how having a karate wielding monkey can completely change your life.
Any room can be a room with a view if you are in it.
tour guide: here are the sharks
me: bitey boi
guide: …and over here, a swordfish
me: pointy boi
guide: get out of the aquarium
enough about microplastics. wanna try some macroplastics. i’m eating a frisbee