Me: [going in for a hug]
Loudspeaker: SECURITY TO THE OCTOPUS TANK
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It’s saying something when you marry Charles Manson and you look like the crazy one.
STEPS TO FOLD A FITTED SHEET
1) PUT SHEET ON BED
2) FOLD BED
Cereal. Check.
Milk. Check.
Bread. Check.
Fruit. Check.
Salad. Check.
Wow, the looks I am getting! Guess I could have paid w/ 1 check.
Guests: [sitting down for Thanksgiving dinner]
Me: Oh. You’re staying?
Hear me out – fortune hotdogs
Baby Judge: You’re sentenced to 3 jars of strained peas.
*baby bailiffs drop their squeaky toys*
*an infant juror spits up*
My buddies and I used to play bank account chicken where you wire them the full contents of your account and say “bet you won’t send it back” but our wives made us stop
wife [on Facebook] Spent the day with the kids. We had so much fun!
wife [to me] Do you know what those little shits did to me today?
Let’s face facts, we all secretly suspected civilisation was just a phase.
Sometimes, you have to ask yourself: is my potato cheating on me?
Me: I’m going to have a shower
3: I’ll give you two minutes
Our neighborhood playground has been so dull lately oh wait a parent just got stuck in the tunnel slide yes!!
Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Millennial: I put a film of me opening a shoe box on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
guy in the stall next to me at this bar is ordering a pizza on the phone & I now realize my commitment to pizza is severely lacking
[NASA press conf]
“good news: we found a cat on Mars”
REPORTER: & the bad news?
“[recalls Curiosity rover running it over] uh it’s sleeping”
I just got hit head on by a crazy women riding a menstrual cycle.
alien: we have come to destroy all humanity
me: hell yeah
alien: what? I said we have co-
me: hurry up
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A REALLY FAST CAR TO DRIVE PAST!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
NNNEYOWWWWWwwwww…
SPLOOT
why do people get so upset about bad haircuts. name one other problem that resolves itself quietly over time while you wait
[after the thousandth time making a mess while cooking eggs]
ME: there’s gotta be a better way!
WIFE: *hands me a pan* stop using the toaster dumbass
If it looks like I’m typing for five minutes I’m really just trying to spell diarrhea.
Whoever had the bright idea of putting book jackets on children’s books clearly never had children of their own.
I experienced a potato famine once; it was the longest night of my life.
Narrator: Ursula ran out of vodka.
Before we start our poker night, I’d like to take a few minutes and talk to you guys about these great new products from Tupperware…
[Opens a beer at the park]
“Dude. There’s kids here.”
Oh shit how rude of me. [turns] IF YOU KIDS WANT SOME BEERS THEYRE IN THE COOLER
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: cats climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: nope
Underage me: pretends to be sick so I can sneak out window to go to a party
Older me: pretends to be sick so I don’t have to go to a party
How many calories does an ice cream headache burn?