[me going to literally any sporting event] i better wear my sneakers in case they need another player
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who wants to come over and snake my drain this weekend?
(this is not a euphemism I am standing in two inches of bathwater)
On predisents day we honor the big US man himself: Aberham Liclon. Tall, skinny, dry, and cruncy – he was america’s carrot
Saying “unwanted houseguests” is redundant. I just call them houseguests.
Netflix needs a notification that says ‘Do you want to watch something or not?’ for when couples are taking too long to decide
Everyone thought you could get a writing job from twitter but that never happens anymore its only for things like becoming the president
Parenting just means you have to pretend you like to eat fruits and vegetables in front of your kids knowing you’d rather eat a cheeseburger instead.
When people tell me I have the body of a 25 yr old, I’m unsure if it’s a compliment, or they finally unearthed the oil drums in my backyard.
It’s important to be comfortable in your own skin…
Because, apparently, it’s illegal to wear someone else’s.
One time, a guy flirtatiously asked me what my deepest darkest secret was, and I told him I was working on a shot by shot remake of the first Star Wars film reenacted by my cats called, “A Mew Hope”.
Anyway he didn’t call.
He said he wants to be my Sugar Daddy, and I thought awesome, I love cookies.
Day 3 in quarantine. My mom made me check my 11 year old brother’s search history. He has searched “how tall is goofy” and “why do Mormons have so many trampolines.” For his sake, I almost wish I found something bad
My workout goals are simple: I’d just like to be able to get up off the floor without looking like a turtle trying to flip itself back over.
this is what they would have looked like, though
I once dated a guy who left a trail of rose petals leading to a sinkful of dirty dishes.
Invisible Obama be like “Uhh. Let me be clear”
When I see a flash mob in public I immediately join in to make it seem like they didn’t practice enough.
*new parents*
Him: I’ve been sleeping with someone else.
Her: YOU’VE BEEN SLEEPING!!
{During Mass}
Priest: Can someone please check on the woman screaming the rosary in the confessional booth?
i have no idea what’s going on but i want to be involved.
-kids
I’ve been training my family to be future Survivor contestants. If you can find food in my house, you can make it anywhere.
A lady was spanking her kid for being a total brat in the grocery store so I had to step in and ask her if she needed me to hold her purse.
daredevil: [standing in the rain with his girlfriend] i may be blind, but my echolocation allows me to picture you perfectly
her: oh so like you’ll use the sound of the raindrops to-
daredevil: [just starts screaming into her face]
2024 is starting to feel like it needs to be left outside until we see if it can act right.
A Twitter love story, in 3 parts:
Daughter: what’s nostalgia?
Wife: it’s when you miss something that’s really old.
[later]
Me: I’m home from work!
Wife: aw we missed you!
Daughter: [whispers] nostalgia.
First date: *puts entire onion ring in mouth* If yo’lik et ven yo’shoulla puh a wring owh it.
You people who pull back the shower curtain checking for psycopathic murderers … if you find one, what’s your plan?
“I maul out of love” – Bear Supply
My wife says brushing my teeth when sitting on the toilet is disgusting but honestly this toilet brush is almost brand new
Therapist: So what’s the problem?
Wife: He thinks he’s a flamingo.
Me: That’s it! I’m putting my foot down.
*lowers foot that was raised*