Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

does bisexual mean twice a sexual, or once every other sexual

OMG! It’s colder than a pimps heart out here!

i thought lingerie was a type of noodle

Interviewer: So why do you want this job?

Me: I don’t. I want money.

Please excuse the state of my house, it will be clean if you can come back in 2053 when all my kids have moved out.

In Hell, you’re surrounded by people saying ‘suposably’ and ‘irregardless.’

ZOOKEEPER: So this female python is our oldest snake here at the zoo

ME: *way too loud* A granaconda

ZOOKEEPER: *pulling out his tazer* look away kids

I believe that there is a radio station called WPMN, Worst Possible Music Network, and they are always playing it in the locker room at my gym.

Man: You’re killing me

Comedian: [strangling man with cloth] this is great material

The year is 2045. Favstar Bot 32 becomes self aware and deletes our top tweets.

Never forget that for every public official who is stupid and awful, there are thousands of ordinary citizens who are also stupid and awful.

“And what do you do?”
“I play in a band”
“What’s the band called? Have I heard of it?”
“It’s called blink-182.”
“OH!! LIKE IN THAT CHAINSMOKERS SONG!”

My niece is a child psychologist.
For a 12 y/o, her diagnoses are remarkably accurate!

Did you know that your iPad has a built in bathroom scale app? Go ahead, try it.

what strings did peacocks pull to be allowed to just vibe around the zoo?

Have learned that my fully potty trained 3yo has been telling her teacher every day that she’s had an accident so that she can change out of her uniform and into her (non-uniform) backup clothes. She’s outsmarted us all. She’s a little velociraptor.

One of the perks of marriage is having someone around to let you know which normal things from your childhood were actually very very weird

describing stardew valley

Gonna drink a 42 hour energy so I can send three emails

always think about a caveman losing a baby tooth and being like “this can’t be good” and then several years later losing an adult tooth and thinking “no big deal it’ll grow back”

In the United States a man gets kicked in the groin every 6.2 seconds. I would hate to be that man.

What idiot called it the toaster and not the tanning bread?

HER:He doesn’t trust me.
THERAPIST:How so?
HER:He’s always spying on me.
ME (dressed as Therapist):Really?
THERAPIST:WTF
HER:WTF
ME:WTF

unstable person: “jet fuel doesn’t melt steel beams, 9/11 was an inside job”
stable person: “i look after horses”

When businesses reach out to tell me they miss me, I politely remind them I’m married.

Me: I can’t come to work, I’m snowed in.
Boss: It hasn’t snowed.
M: It did where I live.
B: We live in the same town.
M: Isolated storm.
B: I live across the street from you.
M: Extremely isolated storm.

The adult life I imagined as a child involved less laundry and more group dance numbers.

I’m 36 years old and I still look for someone older than me when an adult is needed

[returns from Costco]
“Honey you didn’t get stuff we don’t need, did you?”
“Of course not babe”
*stands in front of 12-pack of garage doors*

me: i had an accident

insurance agent: sir, we don’t insure pants