Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I told my Mom that I was going to the Apple store and she said, “You sound like you’re 4 – it’s the grocery store”.

Radio Shack would have filed for bankruptcy years ago but they’ve been trying to do it using dial-up internet

I like to take long walks away from stupid people

ufo crew: why are we hovering?

ufo captain: i wanna pet those dogs

ufo crew: why not land?

ufo cap: those talking monkeys are annoying af

how about no fine and just a warning for the first offense

If I could meet any celebrity it might have to be David Schwimmer. In a schwimming pool. Learning how to schwim.

My GF’s anti aging cream went bad.
HOW DOES ANTI AGING CREAM HAVE AN EXPIRATION DATE?!

An old boyfriend hearted my picture on Facebook instead of just liking it, so I was wondering what we should name our kids.

There are few things more awkward on a blind date than looking up from your phone to realise she’s left.

She obviously wasn’t blind at all.

“God is good all the time!” Yeah. Not you though, Russ. You sucked for 55 frigging minutes.

ME: A bear is just an angry couch.
PARK RANGER: Sir, get slowly off the bear.
ME: *snuggling in* No. It’s fluffy.

[First day at Amazon]

me: *throws a single toothbrush into a tv-sized box*

manager: wow this guy’s a natural lol

My 3yo made up a song called My Mommy Makes Me Happy When She Gives Me Snacks then asked me for a snack. She’s really good at this.

That dentist from that parking lot flyer says gnawing down trees is just as good as brushing and flossing. I’m referring all my coworkers.

When your child makes a full inventory of their Halloween take so they can tell if they are being robbed by a family member.

[I time travel to 1998]
Guy: This is the first showing of Mulan, how does that dude in the front row already know the words to all the songs

This is funnier than it should be. 😂

Move the bed into the kitchen, bro

Normalize calling a Stanley cup a sippy cup to piss your kid off.

i don’t gossip at work i circle back for important new interpersonal developments regarding workplace associates

My dad lost his job at the cemetery yesterday. He buried someone in the wrong plot. It was a grave mistake.

“I wasn’t that drunk…”
“Dude, you were driving your truck around the Walmart parking lot trying to find your truck.”

There must be an invisible mechanism on my book. Every time I open it, my husband starts trying to talk to me

Cute girl: omg I love this bread
[At the next table]
Jesus: [loudly, holding up a slice of bread] so this is my body

If by “drink responsibly” you mean “buy the booze that’s on sale” then yes, I drink responsibly.

[The Cheesecake Factory]

*looking at menu*

Alan Rickman voice: Turn to page 394.

Don’t you hate it when you’re planning someone’s funeral, and they ruin it by coming into the room and talking to you?

The cure to missing someone is just remembering what an asshole they really were.