me: going to see phil this afternoon
wife: isn’t phil in that cult?
me: yeah so
wife: just be careful
me: have a little faith me in ok
*comes home dressed in all purple*
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one time I was in the hospital elevator with a resident and then the elevator got stuck and I was like “omg we are going to die” and she was like “omg YES I needed this today” and sat down and started eating a granola bar
When people say “You can fit a million earths in the sun!!!”
I’m like:
Hey. Maybe we shouldnt put any earths in the sun. The sun is hot.
Catwoman’s full name is Catherine Woman.
You’re ugly for a reason: God is challenging you to get girls on hard mode. #motivationalmike
All of my horoscopes lately have started with “Ok, don’t freak out but…”
It’s really odd but it appears women want a boyfriend that lives thousands of miles away and is married.
This diet is probably gonna end in murder, but still pretty excited. I’m gonna look so skinny in my mugshot!
[Invention of Tennis]
“…and you just try to hit it back to me”
Wow, that’s really simple
“Yeah, I wanted it to be very straightforward”
For sure that’s the best part about it
“Uncomplicated, you know what I mean?”
Exactly! No weird stuff
“Yeah”
So how do you keep score?
My dog loses her goddamn mind when I pull a treat from behind her ear
I baked a carrot cake that tasted so delicious that it improved my eyesight with just one slice.
Me: I’m nervous for my date.
Friend: Just exaggerate to impress her
{during date}
Her: What’s something you’re proud of?
Me: I invented milk
They say money can’t buy love but this tray of lasagna begs to differ.
I took off my shirt when I got home and my wife put her eclipse glasses back on.
Oh… Oh dear… it looks like my grandmother’s embroidered pillow may have stolen your tweet.
I’m starting an eraser company and looking to get the word out
I’m just going start inventing words and then tell people that’s what we call it in England.
Drama Llama is what they dubbed me in college. Not because of my theatrics, I earned the name by spitting.
It’s pretty impressive how chill toddlers are most of the time when you remember that they usually have 0 context for anything that is happening.
Today, a week after we moved to another state, my son looked around and then asked, “are we still on earth?”
my grandpa: [watching me set up an email account] your password is 8 stars?
Who is the highest ranking officer at the hospital?
General Anesthesia
Starbucks, where 11 members of staff frantically do things behind the counter, yet not one of these things appears to resemble a hot drink
just walked out of the grocery store and realized i parked like shit. an absolute garbage approach. i’m so embarrassed. i can’t be seen getting into this car. i’m running away. new life. just the clothes on my back and this cantaloupe
No, please continue to talk loudly on the phone, smoke & spit next to my table. No problem! I’m just going to follow you home and kill you.
It went from “Oh, you guys really want to get to know your mom” to “Why are you asking me all these questions?” to “Which of my accounts are you trying to get into?”
You know that chick who said, “Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels?”…
Yeah, well I ate her.
Macbeth [waggling eybrows]: I know a spot
Lady Macbeth: out
Macbeth: but-
Lady Macbeth: OUT
I can sing all the words to the intro song of DuckTales, what’s your flex?