Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Parents: Never talk to strangers!

Also parents: Why don’t you have any friends?

Me: I’m an atheist. Nothing is on purpose. Nihilism 4eva
Also me: *sees my birthday numbers anywhere* this is a sign.

A number of people involved in the violence at the U.S. Capitol on January 6 are still at large. Help the #FBI apprehend them. If you recognize this individual, submit a tip to When you leave a tip, reference photo 223.

*rubs lamp/genie appears*

*makes me listen to ads before each wish*

Me: I hate drama.

Also me: Reads all 258 comments on a heated Facebook post thread that is 100 percent not my business.

[couples therapy]
ME: She thinks I make bad decisions
WIFE: He traded our car for a skateboard
THERAPIST: *writing notes* This guy rules

[Flirting]

I can turn anything into a PDF, baby.

Me: I’m worried that the romance has gone out of our marriage

Hub: Bet I can change your mind during the next commercial break

JUDGE: how do you plead
ME: Whats the one where you killed a ton of people but you don’t want to tell anyone
JUDGE: not guilty
ME: that one

If you ring my doorbell I’ll look through the camera, if you don’t have a pizza or donut box I’m not opening the door.

[fancy dinner]
ME: please pass the (forgets the name for salt) dried ocean

If someone tries to be your friend, pick up their cat and play it like the bagpipes. Problem solved.

Someone told me I was “good people” and I replied “OMG you can hear them too?”

C’mon Facebook, if I wanted her to know I’m thinking of her on her birthday I’d put the binoculars away, step out from this bush and just say ‘hi’ once she’s finished showering.

LIFE HACK: Tired of the neighbors’ noisy kids playing in front of your house? Sign up for the sex offender registry

“I’m shaving off the beard tomorrow” I loudly announce so that anything living in there has time to evacuate

If I weren’t supposed to bring my cat, the wedding invite would say that, right?

DRUG DEALER: what’ll it be man
ME: *wearing a wire* some drugs please
[at the surveillance van]
DEA AGENT: did he just say some drugs

“can’t you take a hint?” bro I don’t even understand literal stuff

Shout out to my neighbor who never emerges from his place except to take selfies with a sword

Relationships are about compromise. I pretend she’s not watching a Gossip Girl boxset. She pretends I’m not digging her grave in the garden.

Ian: It’s done.
Mafia boss: Did you go anywhere nice?
I: What?
MB: Like a restaurant.
I: I killed him.
MB: I said take him out! Oh god, Tim!

Wife: Where are you going?
Me: Out. I can’t stand being hemmed in by four walls.
Wife: How many walls has the pub got? Five?

Me: Hey, great costume, buddy! You look like a real…

Him: Ma’am, please step out of the vehicle.

*wins lottery*

Me: fill it to the top, Jeeves

Jeeves: But ma’am, your pool—

Me: I SAID MORE MAC AND CHEESE!!!

My skin is so dry it’s doing a PowerPoint presentation

If you died and became a ghost haunting a graveyard you’d save ~$800 a month in rent. That’s over 600k a year. Being broke is a mindset and there’s no excuse for it

I’m trying to beat the world record for most cat paintings done in one night. The current record holder is George W. Bush, who did 911.

[at a party]

host: would you like a tour

me: no thanks, but hey while I have you here… which room would you describe as “off limits”

My dog used to get into her kennel when I put my coat on and I’m not saying that her standards have dropped since the start of this pandemic but she just went into her kennel when I put on pants