Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My husband said he needs to have sex and now he is mad at me. Apparently, asking ‘with each other’ was the wrong response.

This is the greatest Twitter thread ever

Fun Fact: In New York City it’s a Class A felony for a pizzeria to run out of pepperoni.

doctor: your parents were in a car accident

me: how are they?

doctor: they’re critical

me: I meant medically

*Job Interview

Me: “Thanks for meeting with me”
IKEA Manager: “My pleasure. Have a seat”

(Sees nothing but a pile of finished wood, quarter inch screws, and an allen wrench)

Me: “What…”
Manager *starts timer*

I accidentally wore a beetle inside. Neither party was happy about this.

i am against victim blaming except for when someone loses their sunglasses in the ocean

*knocks on door*
You’re too fat.
“Wha–”
You’re way too dumb.
“Wait–who..”
Hi, I’m Roy. I sell insecurity systems. You’re too poor for one.

Typos are gonna be the death of me!

Unless pills, cigarettes, alcohol, unprotected sex, meth, bull fighting or Taco Bell kill me first.

So disappointed. Haven’t sold a single one of my “We Welcome Solicitors” signs on Etsy.

I have decided to switch to a spite-based diet

Have you ever met a person, & knew straight away that they were ‘the one’?

Yah. I had to take a restraining order out too.

My husband declared Sunday as a technology free day, so naturally this has led to a closer bond between my children and me as we sneak off to look at my phone.

I never pay for drinks I just insult women at bars & when they throw drinks in my face I open my mouth haha thanks for the free booze ladies

My tupperware bowl just reminded me that I had spaghetti in 1999.

Tired of actually helping? Try prayer

i’m sick of blessings in disguise. i am ready for a blessing with absolutely no disguise whatsoever

*Packing for a trip*

Maybe I’ll bring my workout gear. I mean I haven’t worked out in 5 years but I might start on this trip.

My credit score is me crying in the rain and fighting with a family of raccoons for territory.

ME: (throwing my car keys to the valet) Run me over real quick, chief.

me: What? A lot of people launch shopping carts across parking lots
wife: Yeah but they take the kid out first!
son *screaming*

[dropping my bf off at the airport]

Me: *going in for a hug, already crying* I’m gonna miss you so much

Him: I’m gonna make everyone think you’re my Uber driver!

Me: wait wha-

Him: *pushing my face away* OKAY FINE, I’LL GIVE YOU 5 STARS!

A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You won’t feel a thing.”

If your drug dealer is on time, he’s a cop.

No one will even notice your holiday weight gain if you start carrying pie everywhere you go.

Whoever is stealing my socks – at least take both of them

Me: “This is not my first rodeo.”

Dude: “Ma’am, this is a petting zoo. Please stop trying to ride the goats.”

If you’re happy and you know it eat a bug

I have no idea who these famous people are. We need to go back to three channels.

*date*

GIRL: I love hot tubs. Do you love hot tubs?

LOBSTER: That’s like the third time you’ve asked me that.