Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Meghan Trainor songs:
-All About That Bass
-Flounder’s Good Too
-Also I Like Shrimp
-Wait, I’m a Vegan
-All About That Kale

Direct deposit: +1400

Me at Cheesecake Factory: yeah I’ll take one of each slice

North and South

Me: there’s no “u” in team

Canadian: we’ll see about that bud

I find it hard to believe I used to just answer my phone when it rang. No caller ID. No idea who was calling. Just picked it up and said “hello” like a goddam daredevil.

Me, flirting😏

All dates are ‘blind dates.’

The biological structure of fruit plants do not allow eye growth, therefore rendering them incapable of sight.

Sometimes the trash takes out itself. Unfortunately, it usually runs its stupid mouth first.

*a very, very real phone conversation i heard my mother-in-law have*
yeah? what’s up? huh? what? he ran over a dog? huh? is he in the hospital? why’s he riding a motorcycle? yeah. no, we’re eating dinner. no, i didn’t know norman fell was in ocean’s 11

Broke out some old threads to wear to work today and was feeling pretty cool until my 12 year old daughter saw me and said, “What is that shirt? You look like the 90s,” then I knew I nailed it.

The key to a clean house is dim lighting.

If anyone is looking for a quick and affordable hair removal system, you’re welcome to come over and use my grill.

“I’d do okay in prison,” I say, absently wiping down the lid of a soup can because a rat may have scampered across it somewhere in the supply chain

Would bet there’s a math equation that can tell how many kids a person has by measuring the amount of Cheerios on the floor of their car …

Why is there a show called “When Animals Attack”? It should be called “When Stupid People Go Near Dangerous Animals.”

My resignation letter to HR will be delivered via glitter bomb

Me: I’ll never do that again
Me 5 minutes later: Agains

I saw a lady jogging in the rain & I was like, “how sad, she doesn’t know she could be sleeping in her bed right now.”

Me: *stopping* Siri, reroute to kitchen, there’s a traffic jam.

Siri: Step over the dog.

Halloween costumes

Age 10: monster

Age 25: sexy fireman

Age 35: sexy mobilization to end systematic oppression of underrepresented groups

[at séance]
Me: If you truly are a ghost why don’t you move this object
Ghost: If you truly are a human why don’t you get your shit together

40 is fun because you feel old as shit and then wham-o your period comes out of nowhere and catapults you right back into your early teens.

Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something. *closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*

~ Developers

Truth or dare should be renamed to “interrogation or humiliation”

My lawyer said I broke the record for how many times the word mayonnaise was used in a will at 13 times. The previous record was zero.

you are so beautiful without makeup.

-my husband, after he saw i spent $62 on an eyeshadow.

Taking a little nap while I wait for the driver in front of me to realize the light has turned green

One day ISIS is going to screw up and accidentally hit ‘add your location’ to a tweet.

Him: What are you watching?
Me: Um, it’s like a foreign documentary
Him: What’s it called?
Me: I don’t actually remember
Him: Is it 90 Day Fiancé?
Me: yeah