Me: Going to the concert with my friends now
Wife: Say hi to everyone for me![Later]
Me *individually greeting 10,000 people* this is exhausting
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I met a pet turtle at the park and I asked the guy if he brings it there to play on the swings and slides, and he responds: “No ma’am, turtles don’t use swings and slides”, and I can’t believe he called me ma’am
Fun prank: ONLY explain gay marriage to your kids and then watch other people try to explain their weird straight marriages.
pirate: shiver me timbers
me: *crochets a tiny sweater for his peg leg*
Thou shalt not winky face smiley another man’s twitter crush.
-Emojenesis 8:15
*trimming the tree
Tree: K, but I wanna keep the length.
[first date]
HER: You smell so good. What are you wearing?
ME: *nodding and sniffing myself* Mashed potatoes with gravy.
Damn CVS sales receipts got caught in the wind
If you want to set up a company and run it then that’s your business.
Elijah Wood looking like he does and only being 18 months younger than me is why I should start drinking more water and washing my face at night.
NO ONE SAVES MILK YOU MORON
hostess: table or booth
termite family: we’ll have both
Waiting for the Charmin
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: ha nice try
I: excuse me?
M: that’s how Lex Luthor beat Superman. I’m not stupid.
me: wow, so many robins! what a good omen
also me: there are robins everywhere, it’s not a sign
also also me: you can both be right!
fourth me: you guys talk too much
Remembering the time my science teacher couldn’t detect my heartbeat and got angry at me as though I was deliberately withholding my pulse to bolster my goth credentials.
This is the most embarrassing thing that’s ever happened to me. I call my cat “my sweet boy” and went out on my porch, saw him and said “hey there sweet boy” unfortunately a teenage boy happened to be walking by just then, looked over at me and then took off running.
[starbucks]
One tall iced latte please
“Ok, can I have a name?”
Well ok but it really should come from your parents
If I were the NY Times I’d make Wordle free to play but charge 99 cents to post your score on Twitter.
Them: Why are you late?
Me: I’m not allowed to run over cyclists.
Me: *buys a meal for one*
Everyone: Aw that poor lonely guy.Me: *buys a meal for two*
Everyone: Ew that fat lonely guy.
If I had gone to Rydell High, I would have walked right up to Rizzo and asked, “Rizzo? Is that short for Chorizzo?”
the vaccine could be radioactive dumpster water & it would still be healthier than most of what I put into my body during quarantine
Movie comes on while im in bed: ugh ive seen this a million times
Movie comes on before I have to get ready for work: oh hell yea a classic
Not all heroes wear capes….
You’re a guy, therefore you can’t “hehehehe”.
I’m creating a new perfume for introverts.
It’s called: Leave Me The Fu Cologne.
I only like to read about non violent historical events. I’m a pastifist.
[Restaurant]
Me *has a sip and nods at date* yes, that’s fine, we’ll have a bottleWaiter: One ketchup coming up
I forgot to buy sacrificial goats for the eclipse on Monday (stupid!!) but then I remembered I can just log into this app and find an unlimited supply of virgins.
flight attendant: sir u r seated in an exit row, are u willing and able to xyz in case of emergency
the highest guy you have ever seen: yes