me: going to the gym
friend: but it’s 2AM
me: got to exercise my demons
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My son meets his online girlfriend today, so here’s to hoping she’s the anime loving e-girl of his dreams and not some guy named Steve.
I climbed on this seesaw with Rick Astley 3 hours ago.
*sigh
He’s never gonna let me down.
Hey buddy, if you didn’t want me napping in your pet store you shouldn’t have sleeping rooms filled with puppies.
Q-TIPS WARNING LABEL: do NOT put these in your ears you WILL go deaf and probably die
EVERYONE: ima pretty much exclusively use them in my ears
The fact that it’s still not legal to print your own money is bullshit.
How the Grinch Stole Christmas (1966): A hermit living within his means is ultimately corrupted by the power of consumerism.
What are a comedian’s pronouns?
He/he/he
For what I lack in imagination, I more than make up for in something else.
according to my research, maximum work from home productivity can be reached when you wear a towel all day and lie about your camera not working
the prophecies have been fulfilled
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i went to my first post-vaccinated family party yesterday and instantly i was nostalgic for 2020
My first rodeo and my last rodeo were the same rodeo.
Imagine your card declining at a bar and they squeeze all the alcohol out of you like a lemon
me, standing over a dead body with a scalpel: this is fun isn’t it?
coworker: um. this just isn’t what I had in mind when you asked me to open mike night
[makes a voodoo doll of my dad]
[does basic stretches on it every night so he keeps his flexibility well into his 60s]
I say “Andrea” you say “Aun-dray-uh” and that’s why nobody likes you, Andrea.
watching gymnastics
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i know my boyfriend’s not an empath bc he walks really fast while im wearing heels
[Hillbilly court]
Judge: Yer charged with theft. What were ya thinkin’?
Gary Ray: My wife wanted a mink stole so that’s what i done did
Not messing around
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[First day as a beaver]
Me: Dam.
My wife’s job is to announce our exit is two miles away when we pass a big sign that says our exit is two miles away.
HAVING KIDS
• expensive & boring
• they will live with you for 18 yearsBEFRIENDING A CROW
• cheap & exciting
• they will bring you gifts
• there is a good chance they will also be willing to do crimes for you
My mom didn’t give a shit what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern…”
“stop hiding behind your goons and fight me one on one” look buddy we all have the same number of hours in a day, it’s not my fault you didn’t spend any time cultivating a corps of loyal goons
Divorce Attorney: I can’t just write “irreconcilable differences” on the papers, can you be more specific?
Wife: Well latel-
Guy Who Brews His Own Beer: This situation reminds me of an excellent stout I mad-
Attorney: Ok, got it
watching silence of the lambs, when i saw it as a teenager it was obviously a film about a cannibal killer guy but watching it again now it’s about a woman being leered at by creepy guys from all angles except the psycho killer guy who is genuinely interested in her as a person
Legend of Tarzan 2:
Tarzan meets other primates.
He befriends them all.
He teaches them to fight.
It’s a prequel to Planet of the Apes.
Baby I’m gonna rock your world but first give me an hour and a half to get these skinny jeans off