me: going to the gym
friend: but it’s 2AM
me: got to exercise my demons
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Me texting a friend: I miss you!
Friend: I miss you! What are you doing this weekend? Let’s hang out!
Me: . . .
(one week later)
Me: I miss you!
I hate this time of year when you have to check all your razors to make sure none of them are actually made of chocolate
me: u know how we want clothes on our roof but can’t reach
wife: we have never discuss-
me: *loading t-shirt canon* stand back
ME: let me be frank
DAD: [eyes widen]
ME: and if you say hi Frank I’m dad, I’m gonna be real pissed
DAD: fair enough GonnaBeRealPissed
*listening to music at the beach*
6yo: Dad, can you play Baby Shark?
Me: No, I don’t have that song I can’t play it.
6yo: You can play it you just don’t want to hear it so you’re lying.
Me: That is correct, yes.
By age 35, you should have figured out how to spell “bananas” without having to mentally sing Hollaback Girl
Why would America make the bald eagle its national bird when all they do is attack things and fly away and nevermind I think I get it now.
Every time someone says “it’s a vibe” I wish there were loopholes where murder was legal.
[House has collapsed]
Fireman: Your dad is stuck underneath, I’m not sure we’ll find him in time
Me: *steps nearer* GUESS I’LL BE DOING ALL THE GRILLING FROM NOW ON
*rubble starts to move*
I don’t know who named them safety pins, but I’ve been stabbed by them more than any other pin.
Matthew McConaughey walks into a bakery…
Matthew: “Can I get three loaves of bread please?”
Baker: “What type do you want sir?”
Matthew: “All rye, all rye, all rye.”
I clean my house before going away like burglars give yelp reviews.
Me: *nude in class* This is all just a dream
Professor: That’s him, officers
Picked up a hitchhiker last night. He asked, “How do you know I’m not a serial killer?”
I replied, “The chances of two serial killers in one car is astronomical.”
“So you walk, then walk some more. Sometimes there’s hills. Oh yeah and you have to say hi to absolutely everyone you see or else.” – Person that invented hiking
Yeah, I’d like a job where I can spend more time with my dog.
– me at the employment agency
If bowser kidnapped my wife, I would not be saying “wahoo” no matter how fun the jump was
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
I just posted a selfie and people told me to get well soon.
If some guy wearing a bulletproof vest mocks you, shoot him in the arms so he can’t take it off, haha who’s laughing now fancy vest guy
[Antarctic Courtroom]
Polar Bear: “You hated your wife didn’t you, Pingu!”
Walrus Judge: “Careful Mr Prosecutor. You’re on very thin ice”
Polar Bear: “Your honor, permission to approach the bench”
Walrus: “No. I…”
*Polar Bear takes step forward, plunges through melting ice
Hey, people who solicit a response via text conversation then disappear for hours, I got one thing to say to you…
Guy: I hate my spouse.
Friend: You gotta end it.
Guy: I also hate myself.
Friend: You gotta en… learn to love yourself!
Stop asking dumb questions on the internet; ask for money.
I’m just glad DoorDash doesn’t do a wrap-up of my year like Spotify does.
MOM STOP LICKING YOUR FINGER TO CLEAN MY FACE I’M IN A GANG NOW
date: tell me about yourself
me: I want to kill the moon
date: I have a bit of a dark side too
me: [narrows eyes]
the official breakfast of 2021
Her: my horoscope for today was awful. I wonder which planet is making me miserable?
Me: Earth 😐
“Half a league, half a league, half a league onward,” though obscure has a better ring to it than 2640 yards, 2640 yards, 2640 yards onward.