Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Him “You run like a gazelle.”
Me “I’m graceful?”
Him “No. You’d be easy prey for a mountain lion.”

I went for a walk with the baby and she wanted me to sing some of her songs with her as we walked. After 2 renditions of “Wheels on the Bus” I couldn’t breathe. Beyonce is the greatest athlete alive

My life coach refuses to tell me which motivational quote will protect me from corona virus 😡

People think that as your kids get older you have more freedom but if that were true I wouldn’t be standing in the kitchen eating this chocolate bar out of an empty banana peel

I like slipping notes into suggestion boxes saying things like “send for help, i’m stuck in this suggestion box”

my gf opening a package: i need something sharp

me: okay 🙂

her: if u hand me cheddar again i will leave u

me: okay 🙁

I think my wife got us a babysitter because she didn’t think I’d sit on the baby correctly

My teen said “if you don’t like the way I’m doing the dishes, then do them yourself,” and lived to tell the tale.

In India, Twitter crush is choosen by your parents.

Don’t come back here with your bullshit.

Me, coming back with my bullshit:

I know you have good intentions, but it’s cruel to set a Roomba free. For one, they’re raised in captivity and don’t have the skills to survive outside. And for two, nature abhors a vacuum.

My boss got bit by a snake so I bandaged his wound so tight just to make sure the venom won’t drain out.

Carl: What a cute dog! Does he know any tricks?

Dog: Shut up, Carl

Carl: Wow! How did he learn to talk?

Me: Shut up, Carl

Going to a wedding today:

Me: Do I look ok boys?
6: You look fine.
9: You look wow.

Clearly I have work to do with the little one.

“What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger”

Well I sure as shit felt better at 21 so imma call bullshit

When I used to drink, by this time on a weekend y’all would’ve already seen me mostly naked. Y’all should be especially thankful for my sobriety.

Me, walking out of a store: *wow all these dudes are staring at ME? A middle aged mom? Ok. Yeah. Sure. I mean I guess I’m still hot maybe, ok yeah good for me*

Me, an hour later: *ok so I tucked my dress into my underwear a few hours ago I see that now NEVERTHELESS*

[at aquarium]
That’s a lot of octopussys to have in a tank.
“Octopi”
Oh sorry…that’s a lot of octopussys to occupy a tank.

Back in my day, ketchup only came in glass bottles. I’m grateful for the life lessons it taught me; most problems can easily be solved with patience or a knife.

I was home alone the other day and was frightened by a very loud noise, then I realized it was just my stomach growling.

Me: So you were stuck in Limbo? What was that like?

Spirit: Not too bad, really. It was better than that time I got stuck in a conga line.

My Christmas letter this year includes a bonus DVD of my colonoscopy.

The funniest thing about being sober is to realize you were so drunk last night you were tweeting all night with a calculator.

Our daughter woke us up at 3am to tell us a ghost was tapping on her from under her bed. Obviously, she was having a dream but we’re going to sell the house just in case.

I have the dance moves of a dog with mittens on its paws.

Did you hear about the two thieves who stole a calendar?

They each got six months.

me: hey babe, are you Leonardo DiCaprio because you are keeping it under 25

slow driver in front of me:

You call it armed robbery, I call it people giving me gifts to celebrate my new gun!

Aries: You will be visited by three ghosts this Christmas. They’re all married, so don’t even ask.

Stuffed animals are strange like an actual tiger will tear you to pieces but here ya go kid, sweet dreams.