ME: Good date?
FRIEND: Ok. Until he got undressed
ME: Then what?
FRIEND: [sticks out pinky finger]
ME: Ah. Then he drank tea in a fancy way![]()
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The contents of my son’s last diaper was so upsetting to both of us we shared a cigarette after I changed it.
me (hungover):
Why do I have a photo of me with a fire hydrant?wife:
Because last night you wanted a picture with R2D2.
*watches Charlotte’s Web*
Netflix: you might also enjoy…
Babe
Peppa Pig
Season 1 episode 1 of Black Mirror
Do the people who make chairs know what humans look like or nah
Him: Do you know what you are doing?
Her: Do I look like I know what I’m doing?
Him: No.
Her: Okay then, quit asking stupid questions.
The year is 2316. Humans have 12ft long arms from centuries of taking selfies.
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I didn’t freak out; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
To make a mistake is human. To admit a mistake is stupid.
When one door closes, I lock it.
I’m not chancing someone else getting in.
“men are scared of powerful women,” I whisper to myself as my 14th tinder date of the month leaves me alone at the bowling alley with my hand stuck in the ball return machine
Thanks to Sesame Street, I grew up thinking that Americans had a particular problem with counting.
I may or may not have a joke about Schrodinger’s cat.
Liquor Store Parking
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I miss when flirting was just wearing a candy necklace around my neck and asking if he wanted a bite
My daily affirmation
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Me: Babe, you are the one. The one I will fight with.
Wife: Don’t you mean for?
Me: Sure. That too.
Jan 1st: New decade going fairly well, all things considered.
Jan 2nd: Australia appears to be on fire.
Jan 3rd: World War III announced.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: …and over here are the free weights.
ME: *shoving weights in my pockets* Fantastic.
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside. ok back to you, Fronk
My iPhone: Face ID
Me: 💁♀️
My iPhone : hmm.. passcode
wife *buying dinosaur balloons*
clerk: Is it someone’s birthday? *smiles at toddler*
wife: It is
clerk: How old?
wife: 35
manipulators b like yes i hurt u but now u hate me so I’m the true victim
Website: We use cookies to improve performance.
Me: Same.
The trend of high school girls dressing as Steve Harvey and doing that “SIT ON IT” clip is SENDING MEEE
I want this so bad
![]()
What’s large, black and steals your credit cards?
Sony Playstation
I brought a load of laundry into the living room to fold, and my husband said, “You do this every day. I’m onto you. You just want to take a break.” So, anyway, in lieu of flowers please make a donation to the charity of your choice.
Allow me to play for you the song of my people
*Sound of chip bag opening*
“Don’t let me keep you”
Translation: Please go.
I got the scar above my lip from *my time in prison.
*When my coffee mug launched itself out of my cupboard before work.