Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wait just one second … Brits don’t have outlets in their bathrooms? It’s illegal?? How do you charge your phone? Dry your hair? Prep your electric razor? Watch tv? Toast your PopTarts?

U U U U U U

An American’s tile rack after a Scrabble game.

At my age, if the wife wants to have fun, scrabble is coming out.

At Walmart checkout other day:Cashier: “you have a dog?” Scanning dog food.Hubz: No, our kid needs the protein.

According to the signage in my state, guys named Ray own car repair shops or adult bookstores.

Tip for twitter newbies:

Before you start using twitter, please make sure this is really what you want to do with the rest of your life.

I’m sorry I said your head looks too small to power your body.

The older I get, the less ‘life in prison’ becomes a deterrent.

I made a recipe that called for aubergines. The grocery store didn’t have any so I substituted eggplants.

Damn gurl, are you the snacks in my grandma’s cabinet? Because you taste like you expired 4 years ago

HUSBAND: We’re meeting my parents at noon. Did you shower yet?

(flashback to me using a wet wad of toilet paper to wash my armpits)

ME: Yes.

The ex says he’s come into some money and can finally “take care” of me. Wait…he’s gonna have me killed isn’t he?

COP: Can you describe the man who shot you?

ME: He seemed mad

“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself” shut up. That’s not true at all. Have you ever seen a really big wasp.

*whispers to an avocado*
“I’m the good kind of fat, too.”

A letter home from Burning Man:

“My Dearest Martha:

I fear my vibe may die in this thing they call ‘mud.’ We’ve rationed the last of the freeze-dried mung beans, Pip left our soy-tuna packets in the EV and I nearly consumed a gluten. Pray for me, darling. Pray I return.”

You’re like that person playing Pictionary who draws something terribly and just keeps circling it.

GUY: Ugh this rice crispy treat is disgusting!

ME: There you go sweetie, it takes 23 oz of sawdust before people won’t eat them anymore.

DAUGHTER: This is going to be the best science fair ever!

You hate me: I’m the person that gets stuck in the slide at a water park. Everyone smashes into the back of me and we ooze down the slide in a sad people pile. I’m so sorry.

SOLDIER DYING IN MY ARMS: tell everyone of my bravery

[me 3 months later]

I think he had a brewery

Other kids wanted to be astronauts or doctors, when I was little I wanted to be a horse calendar

“It’s better to give than to receive.”

I think while giving myself the cash from my husband’s wallet

*My kids are fighting*

9yo: You’re acting like a baby !

6yo: And you’re acting like dad !

10 y/o made her own chores list and after doing the dishes, she said she couldn’t believe we do them every day so I patted her on the head and said, “wait until you hear about this thing called laundry.”

[walking in on boyfriend]

me: oh god

him: it’s not what it looks like!

me: how could you do this to me?!

him: i’m so sorry you had to find out this way

me: *falling to my knees* my leftoverssss

the ‘grandma exploit’ is undoubtedly my favorite chatbot jailbreak to date. source here:

[Chocolate Cake 101]

Sober: Use a fork

Stoned: Use your fingers

Drunk: Use your face

Be romantic. Send her a dozen of red flags 🤨

If I was a vampire, pretty sure I’d find a way to cover blood in cheese.