Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*in the basement organizing LEGO by color and size*

My child: Can I help?

Me: *straight up hissing noises*

[Jesus at the bar]
“Oh, I’ll just have a water”
*winks at camera*

me: i dont want any kids
person: *low chuckle* oh, you’ll change your mind.
me: *grabs them by collar* tell me more about the future, wizard

If you say “cash money” around me,
Don’t act surprised when I kick you in the “balls nuts”

See how stupid that sounds?

Friend: Our backstories shape us, but don’t define us

Me: Like Spanx

Coach: Ice cream! My treat

Kids: Yay— wait where’s ours?

Coach: My treat

Urgent care waiting room is an oxymoron

[house hunting]

Friend: *hurls spear into vinyl siding*
GOT ONE!

Me: *hacking at brick siding w/ sword*
GET OVER HERE AND HELP ME!

I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name.

At what point do we just ask Britney’s dad to do a conservatorship for Kanye?

My 16 has entered the terrible 2s again but with a grown-up nefarious twist.

I’ve discovered I own five umbrellas, if anyone wants to stage a musical number.

Got 3 boxes of tampons, Midol & Ibuprofen at the store. Checker was so scared he paid for my shit & carried it out for me.

constantly torn between wanting to eat snacks and wanting to look like one

Caught my son chewing on electrical wires so, I grounded him.

He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly…

The sign at the pool says,
Children Under 12 Require Supervision.

I guess anyone over 12 is allowed in with only normal eyesight.

i have never needed anything in my life more than this

Me: Don’t you get sick of playing the same video game for hours on end?

Son: No.

Me: *hasn’t looked up from Twitter feed in 12 years* that’s so weird.

At the outdoor church service today, the pastor invited the kids to use sidewalk chalk to draw things that remind them of God.

My six year olds decided to trace each other and create a crime scene.

I’d get down on my knees and pitch my gardening skills but I don’t want to sell myself short.

Why buy the cow when you can get milk from almonds?

A funny thing I like to do is yell ‘God, not your WHOLE hand’ when the doctor does a pelvic exam.

A spider built his web across my door and I walked straight into it and for a moment I bet he dared to dream that he’d pulled off that one big heist that would finally let him retire.

I’m gods gift to women if god only shopped at Rite Aid.

I was terrified when my son started driving alone, but then realized he could get dinner and grocery shop. I’m good now.

Another mom asked me if I had found the big L on my kids’ heads yet. I got super offended thinking she was calling my kids losers. It was lice. She was talking about lice.

my husband said we need to start exercising and get into shape so I’m going to wake up early tomorrow and start looking for a new husband

🤣