me: good morning, Linda
Linda, my co-worker who backpacked through Europe: Not as nice as the sunrises you can see looking out from Venice
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Yesterday there was a sign in our building lobby saying that a possum was living in our trash cans. This morning the sign was gone.
Best case scenario: The possum relocated overnight.
Worst case scenario: The possum took down the sign itself
saying “james?” to my mom when i open her car door so people think it’s an uber
“Tell them I said hi” is the ideal amount of effort
Me: Close your eyes. Give me your hand, darling. Can you feel my heart beating? Do you unders…
Dr:(removes stethoscope) Really? Everytime?
For lent, I’m going to give up sexual innuendos but it’s hard… so hard!
My toxic trait is that I answer “spam likely” calls, because maybe I can fix them.
*gives you a knife
*points to the toaster
Google search history:
-double chin reduction exercises
-double chin plastic surgery cost
-double fudge brownie recipe
“This, too, shall pass,” I thought to myself after the dog swallowed a tube sock.
*feeds you Cheetos while running my fingers through your hair*
6km run followed by a blueberry muffin for breakfast… life is all about balance people! 😆
Me: ew look at that guy sitting in his own shit.
Wife: just change your son’s diaper please.
“Sookie!”
-70% of True Blood dialogue
[dog park]
*random dog humps my dog*Owner: It’s okay! He’s fixed, haha!
Me: Its okay— mine’s a boy.
When a guy asks “should I use a condom?” I like to reply “I would if I were you” Makes them think…
*sees my husband cry as he holds our newborn son for the 1st time*
wtf did that baby just say to you?
ME: Please, I beg you, just tell me the ingredients.
RECIPE SITE: Sure!
ME: Thank you.
RECIPE SITE: After I explain WHY I love these ingredients—
ME: *Whispers* No.
RECIPE SITE: —It was a crisp, fall evening, and I, a wide-eyed college student, was studying in Rome.
The kids are asking for fun shaped sandwiches for their back-to-school lunches and I’m so flattered they’ve mistaken me for the kind of mother who would do that
My friend offered me a free pole dance class. I said no. With my debt, the last thing I need to find out is that I’m great at pole dancing.
GOD: (creates earth) hell yea lizard planet!
WINDOWS™: restart planet for important updates
GOD: um ok
*dinos die, man appears*
GOD: wtf
I did not take a DNA test…
Turns out I’m am 100% not caring what I am…
My wife almost fell down the stairs today and that got us into a heated argument whether my gasp was out of concern or excitement.
I just released my own fragrance.
Now everyone in the car is pissed off.
…and for my next trick, I will turn yesterday’s sweatpants into today’s sweatpants.
Taking the day off to brush up on conspiracy theories and really get this thanksgiving party started.
old people like to golf every day because they are so sick of everyone’s shit and just wanna repeatedly whack something
16,875,547,322 traffic-related bug deaths so far this year
Hot singles over 40 in your area are curious what you use for joint pain and inflammation.
Me, surprised: Why are you in a hurry to get to school?
7yo, matter-of-fact: My enemies are waiting
I love texting my boyfriend
