ME: Good morning
TODDLER: I don’t want to be a mermaid. I want to be a shark with legs.
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NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: whats that big wooden boat ur building
NOAH: it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: idk looks like a boat to me
NOAH: well it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: haha ok guy have fun with the boat
NOAH: have fun drowning
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: what
NOAH: what
Ducks probably think platypuses are duck werewolves.
“Hot damn!” – the Nazi’s probably after their dams were destroyed.
I don’t know; I’m not a historian. It’s just an educated guess.
Today my 3yo said that we should celebrate because today is my last birthday… WAIT YOU LITTLE NOSTRADAMUS SHIT WHAT DO YOU KNOW?
Maybe your parents told you a watched pot never boils so you wouldn’t go around sticking your face near boiling water, idiot.
I think when you get your photo taken for your driver’s license they should squirt you in the face with a water gun. Then your picture will have that annoyed and upset look to match when the cop pulls you over
There’s a new part of my brain aggressively trying to make me completely dedicate my life to becoming an expert on German amusement parks. It’s like “hey dude this stuff might be the most important shit you’ll ever learn” and I’m like christ. You’re probably right
You can’t taste a wooden spoon just by looking at a picture
The picture:
Started trying to hand out tiny umbrellas to neighborhood squirrels to help them beat the heat. So far, it’s a much bigger challenge than I thought.
Spent morning at the farmers market carefully selecting fruits and vegetables to throw away next Saturday.
Just found a best-by date of Oct 1623 on some apple juice so we probably oughta not drink that
Hey little kid throwing a tantrum at the store cuz your mom won’t buy you that “sugary” cereal, I buy my kids that sugary cereal.
My husband said he’d gotten an idea for a gift for me from a show he’s been watching. I just realized that thanks to free HBO on Hulu he’s rewatching The Sopranos. Now I’m a bit concerned.
I will never give another woman my heart until I see how she acts when a bee flies at her.
What’s Biden’s plan to make bloggers post the recipe at the beginning of the post instead of at the end
I’ve wrecked my car yet I still weigh the same. This crash diet is for the birds.
Parents please check your children’s Halloween candy this year, I just found a Godzilla in a candy bar and this is just so dangerous.
The only real certainties are death, taxes, & people who haven’t seen each other in forever, blocking whatever you need in the store.
Me: I like the cuddles more than the rough hugs.
Coach: Again, they’re called “huddles” and “tackles.”
The problem with honey is that I could be in a hazmat suit watching a show about someone in Australia just looking at a jar of it and it would still wind up all over me.
‘I just liked camping alone, you know?’
~Jason Voorhees, in therapy
I was a teenager when “Go to your room” was a punishment and not the same as saying “Go to your arcade/shopping mall/video chat room/infinite music and video library/recording booth/photo studio.”
James Blunt: you’re beautiful
James Blunter: I’ve seen better
Know why Norway puts barcodes on their naval ships?
so when they return to port they can…
Scandinavian…
Chopped: College Edition.
“In your mystery basket: Ramen Noodles, coffee, crippling debt, a worthless degree. Chefs, you have 30 minutes.”
Did you know most countries make you keep your shirt on during all you can eat ribs night?
5 Minute Crafts be like:
-cut a straw longways
– iron it flat
-soak it in ice water
-use your .001″ curling iron
-then glue it together
And now you have a straw!
fred flintstone: I’ve got a problem with my car
podiatrist: let’s take a look
*shows buyers around my home*
This is where I do all my crying but you can cry anywhere really
The most unrealistic element of Jurassic Park is the part where an American theme parks investors become concerned after a single worker is killed