ME: Good morning
TODDLER: I don’t want to be a mermaid. I want to be a shark with legs.
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Computer keyboards should have a removable crumb tray, like toaster ovens.
I read that 83% of prison inmates are Christians…should I be concerned with my safety when I’m up in Heaven?
I’ve started slipping an occasional “meow” into everyday conversations with people to see if they’re really listening meow to me.
FIANCÉ: where should we go on our honeymoon
ME (after hearing there’s a charizard hidden at mt rushmore): how do you feel about south dakota
[meeting my gf’s parents]
gf: just please be serious
me: ok
[later]
gf’s dad: sorry for the wait, dinner’s ready now
me: I DID MY WAITING
gf: oh no
me: TWELVE YEARS OF IT
gf: please
me: IN AZKABAN
Me doing a heist: which one of us is gonna be British
LAWYER: ur dad’s estate—
ME: who called it executing a will instead of splittin heirs
L: he said if u made a dumb joke u get nothing
M: shit
I made a Tinder account for 1st time ever today for some blog research and it’s going pretty well.
shopping channels are insane. they be like “today we have this delightful egg peeler that can also be used as a non slip shower mat”
No, YOU’RE the one who had an itch on your chest, reached in your shirt to scratch it and pulled out a limp dryer sheet.
Certainly wasn’t me.
There are days & nights where I’m surrounded by profound Darkness, followed by a realisation that I need to stop wearing shades in my house.
How do animals in children’s books always have nicer houses than mine when they don’t have jobs & all they do all day is learn life lessons?
OH. WE’RE HALFWAY THERE. WHOA OH. PIGEONS WITH NICE HAIR.
You know how sharks die if they ever stop swimming?
It’s the same with my mother in law and talking.
Sometimes I don’t put my glasses on for the first hour of the day bc I’m not ready to see what’s coming
When I was a kid I used to sneak into the racetrack. I was making a bet at the window and the lady said, “You’re not eighteen.” I said, “It’s for my dad,” and pointed out some old drunk. He waved. She said, “He looks wasted.” I said, “He is. Don’t make fun of my dad.”
I can’t believe my terrible boss* is making me work on this sacred national holiday**
*me
**National Cheesecake Day
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Alexa: I’ve found one zoo near you with monkeys.
Why tf bills never go on sale ? Can i get a buy one get one month free or something? Damn
Carefully choosing my grocery check out line based on the back of who’s head I want to beam hate into for the next 15 minutes.
She hated my mixed-tape back in high school. Last month she gave birth to her ninth baby. Thanks for saving my life, Depeche Mode!
Nirvana, according to most Buddhists I’ve spoken to, is quite literally the best alternative rock band to have ever existed.
My grandma used to say: “Never stand behind a cow when it’s windy or your face will be covered with freckles”.😂
Teenage niece (talking to me while she’s driving): Could you respond to my friend’s text for me?
And don’t make it weird by putting stuff like punctuation.
people act like Marie Kondo held them at gunpoint and forced them to burn their books when her suggestions are all things like “maybe throwing out all those expired coupons in your drawer might make your life a little easier? if you love your expired coupons though enjoy them!!”
Flight attendant: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: What kind of gravy do you have?
There’s a bald spot in my yard so I’m gonna let the grass around it grow really long and then do a comb-over.
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, LEAN!*our canoe tips over*
I bought myself hot pink earbuds so my son would quit stealing them and now my wife stole my earbuds.
When I run into an old friend, and I have no idea what they’ve been up to, I just say, “I love your podcast.” Haven’t been wrong yet.