Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.

Parents: Never talk to strangers!

Also parents: Why don’t you have any friends?

Me:
– cures cancer
– saves endangered species
– discovers Atlantis
– solves energy crisis
– finds all missing children

My mom:
But did you remember to send out your thank yous? Can’t you do something about blindness? Don’t forget to call your aunt Cathy…

Names should have syllable limits. Oh your name is Jeremiah? Nice to meet you Ted

Kissing: first base
Under shirt stuff: second base
Under pants stuff: third base
Taking two to make a thing go right: Rob Bass

[unwrapping gift] oh wow, an item. I love these

[first day as a bartender]

customer: i’d like this drink to go to the lady in the corner

me: [holding it] HEY

her: [looks up]

me: CATCH

Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream

[reading test results]
“It looks like you’re gonna be just fine”
[nurse whispers in ear]
“Lol my bad u got like 6 weeks”

-Steve Harvey M.D.

My boss: If you say “that would make a great band name” one more time I have to fire you.

Me, looking at a box that says “Hand Soap Refill”: It has been a pleasure working with you

Average person has sex 89 times a year.
These next two days are going to be wild

[creating flamingos]

god: here’s your legs

flamingo: can I just have 1

god: no u have to use 2

flamingo: [narrows eyes & sucks teeth] we’ll see about that

Roses are red
Novels have pages
Your boss’s profit
Is your unpaid wages

My mom used to make sure we were wearing our seatbelts in the back seat by slamming on the brakes. She was a kind soul.

Beyonce: ‘Who run the world?’ Generally people who have at least a basic understanding of grammar.

Losing your phone is the adult version of having your balloon fly away.

A first kiss so tentative and awkward, you regret all the time you spent practicing on your beagle.

Did I just say that out loud?

[Being Tortured]

Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?

Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee

Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant

Spent way too much time walking around the house trying to track down an odd noise that turned out to be a whistle in my nose.

When I share any information about my twenties with my kids, I preface it with “back when the dinosaurs were all still puppies,” and they just accept this.

Kid just asked “why is it called ‘flipping the bird’? Why not turtle? Flipping the Turtle.” I can’t even answer that bc WHY NOT TURTLE?!

Actually, the past tense is ‘hanged’ as in ‘he hanged himself’. Sorry about your dad, though

if i was a character in a horror movie and something supernatural was happening i wouldn’t be scared because that stuff isn’t real

lol

My wife said if she heard me chewing one more time, she was going to murder me. So I stole the batteries from her hearing aids.

Taking phone security to the next level.

Girls are a lot like oceans,

beautiful

and deep

but once a month

it’s shark week.

Guys, if your lady tells you she needs windshield wiper blades, SHE DOES NOT MEAN FOR CHRISTMAS!