Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Welcome to your 50s, your joints are now meteorologists.

My mother-in-law showed up 3 hours early for Thanksgiving.

-my suicide note

Right now, Girl Scout moms are hungrily eyeing the cases of cookies filling their living rooms and wondering if their bank accounts can take the hit

*watching The Revenant*

*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*

Him: What are you doing?
Me: Taking notes for when I fight a bear.

My friend said she’d bring a harmonica over for my daughter. What’s the fastest way to get a restraining order?

Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance.

You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.

Lyrics to a beloved 90s hit, or parent to an over-curious toddler? The world may never know.

If you throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care make sure you put your coffee cup down first.

I know that now.

The first 16 hours after getting out of bed are the hardest.

This green smoothie tastes like God wants me to be fat.

This rocks

You can only send, “I hope this email finds you in a pineapple under the sea” like 3, 4 times before they’ll fire you

Whenever I get a midnight “Hey” dm from a woman on the weekend, I always reply

Maybe she’s inviting me to church or something fun like that

Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.

job interviewer: do you consider yourself a good listener?

me: 5 years? in 5 years i hope i’ll be dead

3yo: *follows me into bathroom*

Me: “Privacy, please”

3yo: “Oh, right” *closes door*

“Now we have privacy, Mommy”

Reporter: so what is it like being in Maroon 5 when you’re not Adam Levine, um Mr. Uh-
*quickly googles for his name but google has no idea*

Jesus: He who is without sin may cast the first stone
*guy with no legs throws rock*
Jesus: Seriously?
“You said ‘without shins,’ right?”

The earth is the largest rock that any of us will ever stand on. So I’ve never understood rock climbers. By standing on the earth, you have stood on the biggest rock. You are done. You have peaked. You don’t have to keep climbing rocks. Unnecessary.

Raisins are just grapes pretending not to be past their “sell by” date

[stabbing you with a knife]

I’m just being sarcastic, lighten up.

What base is it when she says, “I saw a box of fish sticks and thought of you”?

[on an interview]

Him: What are your bartending qualifications? *sips coffee*

Me: *slides coaster under his mug as he puts it down*

Him: *spits out coffee* Holy shit

Billy Idol: Dancing With Myself

Billy Idle: Sitting With Myself

WARNING: Ham radios taste nothing like ham!

I’ve finally made it big in New York. My apartment has a walk-in kitchen! Now I just have to practice walking sideways

Ninja turtle: we’re huge mutated turtles we need disguises

Splinter: ok here’s a strip of cloth with eye holes cut out

As I’ve gotten older, my “fear of missing out” has been replaced by my “fear of being invited out.”

I used to have poor judgement before Twitter, now I have poorer judgment