Me: Good news, the pastor said I’m never going to die.
Friend: He said you’re IMMORAL, not immortal.
Me: He also said I’ll be super hot forever.
Friend: He said you’ll burn in Hell for eternity.
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This bouncer’s lucky I’m with my lady and physically frightened of him or he’d be in a world of pain.
[running away from killer]
KILLER: YOU’RE GONNA TRIP ON YOUR SHOELACES THEN I’LL GET U
ME: MY SHOES ARE VELCRO
KILLER: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
[Grocery Store]
Wife: Why do we need 12 baskets?
Me: *takes idioms very literally* One for each egg.
If red meat has so much iron in it why don’t cows rust? And another thing
1) Put on chicken costume
2) Go to store to pick up eggs
3) Run up to store manager and emotionally scream “WHO DID THIS TO MY CHILDREN????”
Quarantine status: I now leave an emergency bra near my keys in case I need to go anywhere.
Lord give me the strength to stop buying a sausage roll every single time I pass somewhere that sells sausage rolls.
If someone has a second baby, tell them it is better than the last one.
OK hear me out on this: a baseball throwing machine, but instead, it shoots out pancakes that you catch with your mouth. 😋
My daughter gave me a coupon book for Mother’s Day and told me to pick one, so I chose the clean your room coupon. She immediately began crying because I was supposed to choose the free hug instead.
Me: I want to be sculpted like a Greek god
Plastic surgeon: We can help with-
Me: *opens mouth* Fill me with cement
Turns out my parenting style is more “Disney villain” and less “Disney princess.”
[dinner at brother’s house]
“So where are the kids?”
Brother: I grounded them.
*spits out meatloaf*
ME ONLINE: all people deserve the same rights & quality of life
ME IN TRAFFIC: I HOPE EVERYONE IN THIS MINIVAN GETS EATEN BY RABID BADGERS
I’m 45 yrs old. I have never turned on a flashlight without making the lightsaber noise
When you have the opportunity to become a bigger person, take it because cake is delicious.
Bloggers be like, “5 Reasons Why Breathing Air is Good For You”
I’m not saying I don’t like people… but if someone walks toward me in a library, I’ll plug my headphones into the book I’m reading.
IT: I’m hanging up
Me: is it because I called it my lappy tappy
IT: *dial tone*
“Groundhog” implies the existence of skyhogs, and that’s just frightening.
[furiously trying to stir a stick of butter into a glass of milk]
“Don’t you wish there was an easier way?”
[cut to carton of butter milk]
Leia: *gasps* Chewbacca, you’re naked!
Chewbacca: *hastily puts back on his bandoleer*
I told my kids they could have everything they want from the Amazon toy catalogue all they have to do is cut out the pictures and play with them which worked out great because now they’re not talking to me so problem solved
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
A couple: *kissing in public*
Me: *perched in a nearby tree* Booooo
9 yo me: wow I love my public library yes I’d like to check out 14 novels that are above my reading level. Be back next week
Me now: wow I love my public library yes I would like to check out one—I believe it’s called a Bööke? I will be back in 3-5 business months
Her: Would you like a complimentary orange juice with your breakfast?
Me: No, I’d like the rude, insulting orange juice, please.
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
You know whats scarier than a bee chasing you because i dont