Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

the gym is my favorite place to go to listen to people count to 10

The problem with rich people is you’re not one of them.

I’m going to need a list of snacks that will be there before I show up.

“Hello from the outsiiiiide. I must have called a thousand tiiiiimes”

– me, drunk, leaving my wife another voicemail because I’m locked out

Anything can serve briefly as a boat. The key word is *briefly*

People who jump right out of bed at 5 AM and turn on every light in the house, who hurt you?

Whoever said “team work makes the dream work” needs to explain that shit to my personalities.

Jellyfish husband: I have to work again this weekend.

Jellyfish wife: Just tell your boss he can’t force you to do this every weekend.

Jellyfish husband: You know I can’t do that.

Jellyfish wife: Oh FFS grow a spi…

Jellyfish husband: GROW A WHAT LINDA

My dogs bowl has DOG written on it so my kids don’t eat it

Me: I need a new jar of thyme

Teenage son: it’s called an hourglass

Boss: You’ll never find another job like this
Me: That would be great

5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.

20s wristband:
After hours club.

50s wristband:
Colonoscopy at the hospital.

wife: “what on earth are you doing?”
me: “making a penguin”
wife: “that’s a pigeon”
me: [opening freezer door] “not for long”

Me: oh yeah, obviously I want to keep it casual, too

Also me, a year after it ends: *crying to a David Gray song in my car*

Married life be like, “I need you to explain what is happening in this show as if I haven’t been watching every episode for the last 4 seasons with you.”

Me: Don’t make this weird

Brain: Sucks helium and laughs like Woody Woodpecker

due to my wife’s recent surgery it hurts her to laugh. thankfully after 18 years together she no longer finds me funny so she’s perfectly safe.

Apparently 50% of people prefer pizza to sex. What is wrong with people? Have they never had pizza?

I’d get into a lesbian relationship just to mooch my girlfriend’s hair care products.

Last time I took a guy seriously, his girlfriend dm’ed me on twitter telling me they’ve been together for a year and when I confronted him he said if we both argue with each other we’re both not gonna have him 😂😂😂

I would never get a minivan because I can’t even think of 7 people I’d want to be stuck in a vehicle with.

Just because I’m smiling doesn’t necessarily mean that I like you. I might be picturing you on fire.

i think muppets being in horror movies would be better than the original: a thread

Everyone is drunk except me.
– a horror story

Found an expired condom. Oh well, still ate it anyway. Hope I don’t get sick!

(At a restaurant) 11: What if I ordered a Jack Daniel’s at the bar?

Me: You’d finally go to bed on time.

half the posts I see are people planning to go completely feral this summer and the other half are folks concerned that they’ll be permanently agoraphobic. I, for one, will be doing both

“I think I stepped in some upchuck”
What’s up, Chuck?
“Not much, but my name’s not Chuck”
*vomits*