Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

BaD BoY!!

{In the Bedroom}
Wife: C’mon baby, DEEPER!
Me: *frantically reaching between the mattress and headboard* I’m trying! I don’t feel the remote anywhere.

Teens: Euphoria from a first kiss

Twenties: Euphoria from skydiving

Forties: Euphoria from a price adjustment at Target

ANCHOR: Now over to Mike for the weather.
ME: IT’S REALLY WEATHERY RIGHT NOW, CARL, WITH MORE WEATHER TO COME! THAT’S IT FOR THE WEATHER!

Don’t waste time thinking about what’s wrong with you. Instead, focus on what’s wrong with other people.

Me: I’m gonna take a nap
Him: ok I’ll go in the next room and make lots of noise

[at dog park]

ME: it’s ok, she’s friendly.

THEM: is, is that a crab?

ME: yep. She’s a purebred. Her name is Clawdrey Hepburn. She’s 2.

I’d like to say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I asked my kids what they’d like me to make for dinner and my 8yo said cereal.

Pastor: pray for your enemies.
Me: Dear god, please kill all of my enemies.
Pastor: no! Not like that!
Me: too late. I already said amen.

My husband and l have a secret to making our marriage last. Twice a week we go to a nice restaurant, drink a little wine, eat good food, and enjoy
companionship.
He goes on Tuesdays, I go on Fridays.

Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:

Texts from mom:
Thanks to the supreme court, now it’s not just women who won’t marry you.

Not all heroes wear capes…

“The name is Bond, Ja-”
– “Savings Bond?”
“No”
– “Chemical Bond?”
“NO!”
– “Autobahn?”
“You know you’re totally ruining this for me”

Ever wonder why we call it a period and not that time of the paragraph?

i’m a Leo which means i won’t win an Oscar for several more years

My personal trainer at the gym told me I need to start working on my upper body strength. I told him to just open the damn pickles and STFU.

Friend: You know that country song that goes-
Me: No.

My friend’s company gave harmonica keychains to the kids at the family holiday party because they apparently want their employees to hate being at home more than they hate being at work.

Sick of obnoxious ring tones in the office, so I’ve set mine to the sound of a girl screaming (horror movie style).

One of my sons says he likes my new haircut, and the other will have to twirl a sign outside a Mattress Firm to pay for college, I guess.

“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”

If I had a dollar for every time one of my kids said “Mom, you’re not funny”, I could buy a beach house.

And live by myself.

Cashier at the liquor store wished me “Happy Holidays”…

As if I’m not going to be back three more times before Christmas.

5yo: dad, do you control your emotions or do your emotions control you?

Me: come on man it‘s the weekend

Goodnight stars. Goodnight air. Goodnight 30-50 feral hogs everywhere

‘I want to gossip but professionally.’

– news anchors

the vatican should not be allowed to name any new saints until God sorts out my numerous issues with the citibank web portal

Was decorating the front yard last night and one of the neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.

*struggling to get the peanut butter jar that I just closed open*

“HOLY COW, I’M STRONGER THAN MYSELF”