Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Because you can’t hang up in person.
Duct tape,

*sends you a 13-page love letter & introduces you to my parents in order to scare your hiccups away*

*you’re cured*

Me: “Would you like to go on a date?”

Her: “Yes”

Me: “Yeah, it’s cool, I was kind of kidding anyway.”

“Wait, what?!”

The phrase “A stone’s throw” has been discontinued.
Please use “In Wifi range” from now on.

Your skull is only a centimeter thick and other reassurances.

14: hey dad- do you know what 9x9x9x9 is?

Me: I’m 40. I don’t need to know that anymore.

I had to explain to my 5yo that he’s not allowed to “kaboom” the baby

Sorry about the semi trailer out front. Croutons were on sale at Costco

MY NECK. MY BACK. MY PJ’S AND MY SNACK.

10 wants everyone to know i’m a horrible parent who never lets him have a friend spend the night tonight. even though he and his friend have spent the night at each others houses back and forth since Monday. kbye

when ppl hold the baby and the baby cries & parents say “oh he’s just tired,” we’re lying, the baby really does hate you

My name is Irving Markowitz.
You took my seafood.
Prepare to die.

8: What’s this music?

Me: The Ramones, do you like it?

8: No, it sounds too easy to do.

Me, offended: What’s wrong with being easy?

Unfortunately she wasn’t even looking when I was pulling off those sweet moves on the trampoline.

The Lion King really created trust issues between me and the nephew.

BANK EMPLOYEE: what if we stayed open later than 5:30?

CEO: that’s the dumbest shit i’ve ever heard

OTHER BANK EMPLOYEE: how bout a sign outside that displays the temperature 24/7

CEO: first of all, promoted

Olympic gymnast: does the most amazing thing I have ever seen in my entire life.

Announcer: Oh dear, that will be a point deduction.

The best thing about alcohol hand gel in hospitals isn’t the hygiene, but that everyone walks around like they’re hatching a dastardly plan.

Adrenaline Junky:
*Almost falls to certain death*
WHAT A RUSH!!

Me:
*Almost drops grilled cheese sandwich*
SAMESIES!!

ok hear me out: Luigiana

Always keep your head up and stand proud! That way your double chin won’t show in your pictures.

I wish I was a baby so I could pass out in public with a bottle and no one would look twice.

If a vampire is also a doctor, an apple is as effective as garlic

the battle rages on

When I said “it’s so big” I was referring to my disappointment

#Caturday

The older you get the younger young people look, our seven year old waiter is killing it.

You can tell a lot about a person
by his hot dog stand order

I knew the guy was a Buddhist when
he said “Make me one with everything”

My 4yo twins spent half the morning yelling “Alexa watch this!!” and when they finally walked away Alexa asked if I could find her a new home that doesn’t have kids