Me: Good night.
Brain: Night.
Brain: But if dog bacon existed would you eat it?
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Anxiously sneaking to use a pen that my daughter has strictly forbidden me to touch shows exactly who’s in charge of this house.
My daughter asked me if I’d be very upset if she didn’t live with me when she’s a grownup so I told her I’d try my best once I stopped laughing
I just sneezed into my elbow and now I’m waiting for a preschool teacher to praise me
Father’s Day tip: Your Dad is busy this weekend.
Me: People who are superstitious about the number 13 are silly. It’s just a number.
Also me: *cannot have the total amount on a gas station pump end in anything but an even number or the number 5*
A wet beach towel will dry in about 30 minutes in the sun or 36 weeks in a hotel room.
Tell a woman she has cute kids and she’s all proud.
Whisper it to her and she calls the cops.
Never apologize in your voicemail for not answering the phone. You’re not sorry. Own that shit. “Hey, I don’t like you. Leave a message.”
Pro tip: Make sure your email to the HR lady doesn’t say she seems too busty to handle your issues
I don’t get Roomba commercials. Like who spills an entire box of cereal on the floor and is like eh leave it for the robot to clean up
Nothing brings me more joy than watching my cats walk across sleeping family members.
When you’re asleep, you aren’t even a person to them.
Or when you’re awake.
There are two types of people, those who pronounce sixth sense “sicksense” and those who pause in the middle
Boss: How were your weekends?
Steve: I coached my son’s soccer team
Alice: I helped friends move and volunteered at an animal shelter
Me: I dreamed my clothes were made of peanut butter and jelly
Caveman1: look, I invent wheel
Caveman2: what we do now?
Caveman1: wait for Jesus to take wheel
Caveman2: dum dum Jesus not invented yet
Sometimes I think there is no hope for us 🥴
took a girl to starbucks because i forgot her name
Thanks for keeping your Instagram account private. I’d hate for those pictures of your lunch to fall into the wrong hands.
ME: Then the robber came thru the door holding a gun
COP: Was it a revolver?
ME [thinks] No he just pushed it open & walked thru like normal
M: I’m gonna go relax
H: ok I’m gonna clean out a closet and come ask you questions until you offer to help
gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste
shadowfax: *holds up a dictionary with its front hooves* I can’t read
I asked my wife how to turn Alexa off. She said, I don’t know, have you tried walking through the room naked?
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
“Where do babies comes from?”
Well, son, when a man and a woman love each other very much they make poor decisions.
Do people who talk on their phones while driving know you can use driving as an excuse to avoid talking on the phone?
Retired bakers have nothing to prove.
My 20 year old cousin got his own apartment and it’s going pretty well
If it sounds better in your head, leave it there.
i just foumd out that humpty dumpty is suposed to be an egg. nowhere in the humpty dumpty poem does it say that humpty dumpty is a egg
“It’s April Fools Day. I can’t wait to play tricks on Dad ALL day.” – my 5yo. His first trick: Getting him “coffee,” but putting water in his cup instead. He is so excited.
Do I just say yes or do I make my group hate me before we even begin this project