Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Jellyfish husband: I have to work again this weekend.

Jellyfish wife: Just tell your boss he can’t force you to do this every weekend.

Jellyfish husband: You know I can’t do that.

Jellyfish wife: Oh FFS grow a spi…

Jellyfish husband: GROW A WHAT LINDA

*working out*

this is so much worse than i thought

banana peels are my favorite fall accessories

them: it’s carl with a K

me: oh ok hi cark

Dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you both get naked and the societal expectation that women be smaller overwhelms you and the shame u feel about ur body drives you to tears

my first day as a raccoon

got an email from old navy about the steps they’re taking to combat covid-19 so I guess the worst is over, and also tank tops are half price

Scientist: what do u know about atoms

Me: very little

Convertibles are great if you want to arrive at your destination looking like a startled wookiee.

“Baby, you know I’m drunk.”

Cop: “I need you step out of the vehicle.”

Me: So I’ll see you Friday?

Friend: I can’t wait!

Me: FINE THEN FORGET IT

Suggested my 10 y/o daughter pay for her friend’s birthday gift with her tooth fairy cash and she said, “No way, I sacrificed body parts for that money.”

I no longer need Google.

I have a 22 year old in college.

“Excuse me, but the sign says ‘No shirt, no shoes, no service.’ It doesn’t say a goddamn thing about no pants.”

– Me, drunk at Target

Hello lamppost, whatcha knowin’? I come to watc–

Lamppost: Nice scarf princess.

No I don’t watch TikToks, I watch Instagram reels of Tiktok videos that were popular two weeks ago, like a grown up

The way I see it, you have 2 choices: you can go with the grain, you can go against the grain, or you can go across the grain. 3. You have 3 (three) choices.

[worried my date might be getting bored so i turn my video game difficulty from easy to hard]

I had a big wedding and I’ve birthed three children so there are a lot of fond memories. The two I cherish most are the day I got my iPhone and the day the new liquor store opened up on the corner.

(meeting the queen without knowing who she is)
Well, aren’t you a fancy little lady! Is today your birthday?

And in other news, a unicorn attack leaves 12 dead, 42 injured, 6 pretty rainbows

Sunday Family Dinner:

Mother In Law: Isn’t that your third glass of wine?

Me: Isn’t that your third husband?

MIL:

M:

MIL:

M: Gravy?

[dinner, my place]

“This tastes like pork?”

ME: You asked for a nice swine

“No, a nice wine”

ME: Oh, okay…you still want the crap cakes?

[at therapist]

I don’t know, sometimes I just feel invisible

Therapist: WHO SAID THAT?!?

[My 5 year old has a little crush on a nearby neighbor girl, and the girl stopped by]

Her: Hi!

Him, making a weird face: Hi.

Her: Hi.

Him: …

Her: …

Him: Hi.

Her: Hi.

Him: …THERE ARE BEES OUT IN MY YARD *runs away*

My 6yo ate his dinner but apparently that wasn’t enough food because he said “I’m hungry” and I said “I’m daddy” which really wasn’t the answer he was looking for.

There’s 7 million people in this world and you think I’m gonna let one customer with a bad attitude to ruin my day??? damn right I am I’ll probably even go cry in the freezer too

Beauty and the Beast

me: [pooping in a basket]

hot air balloon pilot: ok everyone out.

Dont be worried about your smartphone and TV spying on you.

Your vacuum has been gathering dirt on you for years!