Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My husband’s car radio is broken and stuck on a country station. I feel personally victimized when I have to ride with him.

7: What can I have for lunch?
Me: A sandwich.
7: But I want something cooked.
Me: Apparently you are in the wrong house.

My husband ordered a hearing aid off of Amazon. I’m so screwed you guys.

Waiting for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*

*eat the good cheese

Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something.
*closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*

~ Developers

Daughter just wandered in after being put to bed and I hid the ice cream I was eating like it was a joint.

Kylo Ren: I am your father.

Rey: We’re roughly the same age. You’re just copying everything Vader said.

Kylo Ren: NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

The vast majority of spider couples met on the web.

When your joke is so hilarious that HR wants to hear it

Marriage is a lot of why are you looking at me like that?

“Yellow leaves are a sign of not enough water.” Oh! Gary watered the plant. “Yellow leaves are also a sign of too much water.” Oh, ffs.

Parent (who is a nurse):
Sorry I laughed but your kid is funny! When he was down & hurt in the game & I checked him, I said, “That’s a big gash on your knee.” He said, “It’s my ankle.” I felt it & said “I think it’s okay” & he said, “That’s good, ma’am, but it’s my other ankle.”

must be a load-bearing face plate. don’t want it coming loose.

I met a guy who wanted to work on some songs with me. I went to his house and he asked me if I wanted some whiskey. I said sure and he handed me a whole bottle and grabbed a bottle for himself. We never got to those songs but we did get arrested.

Customer: is it 4 wheel drive?
Me [counting the wheels]: yeah
Customer: no like can it go off-road?
Me [looking around showroom]: well yeah

The best kind of Sundays are the ones where you thought you finished the cake but then you find more cake

My son is screaming his head off in his room but there’s no way I’m going in there if his monster reports are true.

WHY DOES EVERYONE ON DATING APPS LIKE HIKING SO MUCH

in the ocean

I would like to confirm to the 14yo me that the best thing about being an adult is going to bed when you want.
I’ll omit the bit about it being 7:30pm.

I just met the most interesting man at the laundromat
And then I realized that he can’t even afford
A washer or a dryer

Careful…I’ve already had our entire fight in my head and it doesn’t end well for you.

I’m “made an ashtray in art even though my parents don’t smoke because that was the assignment” years old.

“I lost my Khakis”

– a guy from Boston who lost his car keys.

Today, whilst out shopping, I tried on a beautiful jacket. It was the jacket of a customer trying on another jacket and now I can never go shopping again.

The only way a “staycation” sounds good is if the rest of my family takes a “leavecation”

Friend: Did you know that a butterfly only lives for 2 days?

Me: I think that’s a myth.

Friend: No it’s definitely a butterfly.

On some level I’ve always known that caterpillars drink dewdrops. But I never sat down to think about it while crossing the street before.

“What kind of dog is this?”
“Well actu..”
“Hes cute”
*pets it*
“Sir thats my..”
*picks it up*
“Your a good dog arent you?”
“PUT MY SON DOWN”

I asked the waitress for a quickie and she slapped me. The old woman next to me said, “It’s pronounced ‘quiche’, dear.”