Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm

Penguin: got it

God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost

Kangaroo: Love it

God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best

Bird: wait, what?

Sixteen years and 200+ million users ago, we could not have imagined ourselves here. Today, Vimeo is a public company. Thank you to everyone who helped us reach this point. We can’t wait to take Vimeo into the future. #VMEO

I saw my therapist’s notes and instead of using my name he just refers to me as “the combatant”

When my wife says “Guess what today is.”

Wife: Could you load the dishwasher while you’re in the kitchen?
Husband: I’m in the bathroom now
W: Please change the roll
H: Sorry. Garage.
W: Please wash the car
H: Can’t. I’m in France now
W: Bring back croissants

[at the pearly gates]

I said, “send me a selfie.”
Then she said, “too ugly today.”
So I said, “never stopped you before”
…& here I am.

Mom can you come get me?

I wished someone happy birthdsy in the group chat and now everyone is saying birthdsy

17 asked if we owned a vacuum. I’m gonna need a minute

My life won’t stop downloading updates without my permission.

My 42 yr old friend is dating a 24 yo guy, she caught him cheating so she took away his play station for a week

My favorite type of women put their jeans on in this way; left leg, right leg, wiggle wiggle jump jump.

I don’t want to intimidate you, but I learned all my fighting skills from Hong Kong Phooey.

At the disco last night.

They played twist. I did the twist.

They played jump. I jumped.

They played come on Eileen. I got kicked out.

can’t wait for this corona thing to blow over and I can stop washing my hands again

Did you know most Americans only get to spend 2-3 hours with a new video game after launch before returning to work?

Paid. Gamer. Leave.

Three simple words I will make law when gamers around the country rise up and take back control of this country (which we founded, btw).

*Ghost snatches phone from me*
“Who you gonna call now?”

Nothing takes longer than the Amazon truck, that is 4 stops away

Kids: Mom, what happened to our college fund?

Me: Avocados.

This salad tastes like I’ll be eating spaghetti at midnight. 😒

PLEASE READ

POLICE! OPEN THE DOOR!

What’s the magic word?

[Cut to them back at the station staring at a chalkboard with dozens of words crossed off]

My youngest has confused “vegan” with “cannibal” and we just discovered this today.

A lot of conversations that we had this past week are making more sense now.

Also, her adamant refusal to eat a slice of vegan cake.

My daughter waking me up at 6:30am to straighten her hair for her, and then her climbing back into bed and going back to sleep, is my villain origin story.

It’s time to play “Is My Kid Hugging Me or Cleaning His Nose or Both?”

I may not be the prettiest or smartest girl in the room, but I definitely have the most chicken nuggets in my purse.

‘see you in hell’ so it’s a date?

The only difference between the 13yr old me and the 28yr old me is that my kool-aid now contains vodka.

Named my hamster Spam so when he dies I can bury him in a little tin coffin with his name on it.

the warning on my razor says “for external use only” and now I have questions

Taking the dog to the vet see you in $300