Me: Good night Moon
Moon:
Me, climbing out of lunar module two weeks later: Did you get my text?!
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If you haven’t learned to use overlapping circles to demonstrate relationships Venn vill you?
So I didn’t stab the idiot who knocked over my entire coffee-
Does that sainthood thing start like right away or…
When did they decide that every razor had to look like a piece that fell off a Transformer?
[sex addiction group]
“Hi, my name is Fred, and as I’ve got a saxophone in my hand it’s fair to assume I misread the ad”
If God sent a flood to wipe out humans for being perverts what kinda nasty shit were the dinos into?
genie: you have 3 wishes
cat: i want to go out
genie: ok
cat: and back in again
genie: done
cat: and back out again
genie: ffs
Starbucks job interview:
“What’s your name?”
“Alyssa”
“Spell that please”
“L A R I S S A”
“When can you start?”
Dunkin Donuts gives you zero or fifty nine napkins, there is no in between.
My car is making strange noises but it’s just me singing.
Condoms do not guarantee safe sex.
A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman’s husband.
“How about a month filled with stress and obligation?” – Pitch for December
I confessed to my 14 year old that for the last 3 months I’ve been putting supermarket own ketchup in a Heinz ketchup bottle and he’s been happily eating it without noticing. Shit is going to go down.
Son: Can you make a deposit into my prison commissary account?
Me: Stop calling your school lunch account the prison commissary.
Just replaced my mailbox with a trash can.
Might quit my job and become a content creator and live off the royalties for the next 19 seconds.
GOD: I call those trees and plants
ANGEL: very beautiful
GOD: ya I’m gonna make some people allergic to them
ANGEL: dude who hurt you
“I’m glad you’re so normal. It’s refreshing.”
“That’s me- totally normal!” *waves off mariachi band waiting in the wings*
Assert dominance at IKEA by walking around wearing a tool belt with every size Allen wrench hanging from it and telling everyone you see to stand back
The new jumper I bought kept picking up static electricity, so I took it back and they exchanged it for another one free of charge.
Why is every bar trivia host hell bent on asking questions that I can’t the answer? Like I literally know the answers to sooo many questions and I could prove it if only they gave me a goddamn chance
[customer service desk]
customer: hi, I’d like to make a return
me: ok great I’ll see you later then
Me: Cook it al dente.
Waiter: This is Red Lobster.
They wrote “Kevin” on my coffee cup lol how do you get “Kevin” from “David” not to mention they got my order completely wrong
The worst thing about life is getting comfortable and then realizing that you don’t have the remote.
Health and fitness is really important to me
Dips the French fry in the mashed potatoes
if i ever get an STI, my husband and my boyfriend are gonna have a lot of explaining to do
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
Pick up a book, any book. Open to the middle, and read the first paragraph.
Make sense?
Welcome to Twitter.
wife: it looks too tight
me: it’s fine, let’s just go
[ten minutes later paramedics have to cut my turtleneck off after I pass out]