Me: Goodnight angel.
9: Tomorrow I need a short red wig and dress like Ed Sheeran for spirit day.
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do mermaids get waxed or descaled
They say “do something today that makes the world a better place”…….so I’m getting drunk.
There are four little girls fighting in my house right now because they all want to play family, but nobody wants to be the mom. I’ve never felt so seen.
The scariest women I’ve known are five feet tall and under. My grandmother was oldest of 11 children, 4 feet 10 Irish Catholic terrifying. I once saw her false teeth fly out and continue yelling at my Uncle John.
I’m trying to eliminate negativity from my life so Monday’s will now be Taco Tuesday eve until further notice
(Adobe CEO’s house)
Like the new couch hun?
Update it.
What about the wallpap…
UPDATE IT ALL.
You’re scaring the ki…
UPDATE THEM TOO…
Him: my doctor wants me to fax them my referral
Me: to when? The 90’s?
imagine if bumblebees made full-volume harley davidson noises. this is the only thing that could possibly improve them
him, texting from the party: where did you go???
me, already home in bed: bathroom brb
The Victoria’s Secret models should use their wings to fly to a food source.
Sorry that I passed you vapor rub instead of lip balm but your lips do look as robust as fortified wine now…Does that sting?
gonna write a steamy vampire chicken novella, call it “stake & eggs”
A guy from HS asked my best friend why I hate him.
She said, “It’s not personal. Amy hates everybody.”
It’s cool that she gets me.
Not all heroes wear capes….
I found out why my computer keeps freezing. Apparently I’ve got too many windows open.
There’s a 92-year-old winning on Wheel of Fortune. When I’m 92, I’ll be happy if I still remember the letters of the alphabet.
A new study reveals that tigers are totally harmless to humans, “They don’t even eat meat” said a very stripy scientist.
Please quit telling me to “keep up the good work” the good work was an accident and impossible to replicate
THERAPIST: you’re running from something. what do u think it might be?
[goose outside the window does throat-slitting motion]
ME: uh—failure
This is hilarious
13 year old me: why is my mom texting me?
me now: i’m gonna send my mom a pic of this grass cause it’s super green. I think she’ll like it.
I did my three minute river dance routine outside his bedroom window and my hot neighbor still doesn’t want to date me
This is bullshit
My girlfriend thinks I’m at work. My boss thinks I’m home sick. These ducks think I’m fuckin’ awesome because I have the bread.
13-year-old: Do you know where the cord is to the electric keyboard?
Me, knows exactly where it is: No.
I jump out of bushes to give surprise breast exams. I save lives.
The police are on the lookout for me. Probably to give me an award.
I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son’s train set by myself. In a moment of panic, I threw a bedsheet over it.
I think I managed to cover my tracks.
#HatDadJoke
If you knock down a policeman, they’ll get backup.
I received some boob pics. Some of you men really have nice boobs.
HER: (touching my chest) What a fascinating tattoo…
ME: Thanks. I was carrying a squid and a porcupine, and I tripped.
fedex left me a note that they missed me, which is so sweet cause I miss u too, u bunch of box-destroying psychopaths