Me: ‘Goodnight.’
Brain: ‘Where shall we begin?’
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Stranger: “Excuse me, is this train we’re on going to
?” You: “Yes, it is…”
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it“…at least I hope so!!”
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
i stopped listening to the radio once they stopped making them out of ham
Harmonicas were invented in 1932 when the worst person in the world decided he needed to organize his hot air into compartments.
Just discovered my 7yo wearing his underwear backwards again. Playing classical music while pregnant is bullshit.
If PRETTY WOMAN starred WILLEM DAFOE.
Jesus H. Christ.
Trump getting elected after Obama was not what they meant by Orange is the New Black
Struck by her beauty, Issac Newton leans in for a kiss. He receives an equal, but opposite, reaction.
I warned you I would betray you over potatoes, this is on you.
Wine improves with age, I improve with wine.
If I was on the Titanic I would have told the captain “Do not hit that iceberg,” saving millions in the process
Aging has caused me to need glasses. Glasses of beer. Glasses of wine. And glasses of bourbon.
Whenever I leave a public bathroom I fold the toilet paper into a fancy triangle to class the joint up
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
“I don’t see things as half full or half empty. I try to be optimistic!”
-Me explaining to my husband why I ran out of gas.
Me, to my dog who is throwing up at the dog park: Bro, you are being so cringe in front of your friends.
If by “new money” you mean it hasn’t been printed yet, yes, that’s me.
I think the only job requirement you need to become a TSA agent, is to know how to do a really good eye roll while you’re chewing gum.
Him: do you have a pen?
Me: yes. (walks away)
I think we can all agree if the ancient Egyptians had twitter there would be no pyramids.
Monogrammed towels are good for when you know how to spell your last name but sometimes get stumped on the first letter
Me: If I had a superpower, what would it be?
6YO: Being nice. Not yelling.
Me: Really?
6YO: Oh, I thought it was like which ones did you need.
Me:*opens mouth*
Husband: Don’t. You’re the adult.
nobody: …
my dog: yay !! look dad, I’ve found the dried chicken foot I hid in the bedroom.
“She loves me not…”
: Picks last petal :
“She LOVES ME!”Flower: “…NOT! LOL nerd”
: Whips out hidden petal shaped like middle finger :
Him: “So what’s your bedroom number?”
Me: “7”
Him: “oh really?”
Me: “yeah, how many pillows do YOU sleep with?”
Photographer: Ok. You two hold hands, & u, in the back, hold a gun to that guy’s head. Nice. I’ll add blush in post.
[Jesus entering surf contest]
Judge: What type of board will you be riding?
Jesus: [looks at feet]
They’re using boards?
Does superman ever go back to get his clothes, or is Metropolis just full of hobos running around in glasses and Clark Kent outfits?
Me: (to my kid after I see her empty plate at the dinner table) I guess you need to learn how take your plate up
My Kid: I’ve already learned that skill.
Me:
My Kid: I don’t need any further practice on it.
Me: 😑