Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Why don’t you want to have kids?”

*motions hysterically in every direction*

We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”

People find me confusing because I sometimes use the wrong potatoes in my sentences.

Dog shampoo was on sale & cheaper than my normal shampoo so it looks like I’m going to have a shiny, healthy coat for the next few weeks.

From a distance, I look like a regular dude. Up close I look like Picasso painted Nicolas Cage.

To whoever needs to hear this: Tie your hair back before you pick up all the dog poop.

My years of napping and making out with strangers have prepared me for a solid career as a CPR dummy

[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Tim, your word is “Oak”
TIM: [deep breath] Ok
*BUZZER*
T: What th–
J: So close! It’s O-‘A’-K
T: But…
J: Hard luck, kid

I’m gonna hug you in the face with this brick.

SON: I need lunch money.

DAD: Get a job.

SON: I’m in 5th grade-

DAD: All I’m hearin’ is excuses.

Age ceases to be just a number everytime the airline announces seating queue priority

M: *sweating*

Some Guy: You look hot.

M: *sweaty blushing* thank you

only three people know my grandma’s secret tuna casserole recipe & two of them have been missing since 1957

wife *comes downstairs* How long has my mom been here?
me: About an hour
wife:
me:
wife *lets her in*

Hey guys! Remember the golden rules this festive season, when shopping in crowded places;

1/Walk slow

2/Stop for no reason

3/Repeat above

How can you tell a vampire has the virus?

He’ll be coffin.

My parents never allowed violent video games. Just family-friendly board games with questions like, “Who murdered this guy with a pipe?”

Ok, new plan, I’m gonna marry a Kardashian.

I formerly apologize to my mother for any and everything that follows that she inevitably won’t approve of. #TheFirstLineInMyAutobiography

[on the train]

Conductor: Ticket please

Me: *hands it over*

C: Lady this is a speeding ticket

M: *sighs* That’s why I’m on the train

Mom asked about a stock she’s owned for 20yrs called Amazon & I’ve mostly been telling her I love her & reminding her my brother never calls

Me: *answering each question by shouting my name and Social Security number, refusing to crack*

Job Interviewer: *growing increasingly flustered*

ME: I can’t come in to work. My grandma died

BOSS: your grandma has died 4 times this year

ME: yeah she’s a cat

It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.

12 yo: I say “mucho” to all my Spanish speaking friends
me: why?
12: bc it means so much to them

Things drunk me has in common with toddlers:

– no idea where my shoe is
– demands McDonalds
– won’t shut up about dinosaurs
– not allowed to have a whistle

When you don’t even acknowledge I held a door open for you, I want to pull you back inside by your neck, and say “now let’s try this again.”

If your going to insult me at least make me Google it