ME: goodnight honey
WIFE: goodnight
EVIL BULLFROG THAT LIVES UNDER OUR BED: *angry ribbit ribbit*
BOTH OF US (in unison): goodnight evil bullfrog
*happy ribbit ribbit*
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[ bad kitty ]
me: cut it out
cat: ?
me: stop it
cat: ?
me: knock it off
cat: now we’re talking
The easiest way to confuse a man is to wear a straight jacket that accentuates your cleavage.
Google. Filling the gaps in public education.
robbed a bank just to hear someone call me a person of interest
It’s fitting to watch a Mike Tyson fight with the picture clarity of an 80’s TV.
Me: I know I’m forgetting something…..I just can’t remember what it is.
*power shuts off, sitting in a dark room*
Me: *sips coffee* Nope. Nothing is coming to mind.
Caller: my dog ate chocolate! my girlfriend’s gonna kill me! I’m a dead man, a dead man!
911: calm down, sir. let’s focus on the dog
Caller: oh he’s fine.
911: but you said…
Caller: chocolate was my girlfriend’s cat
Just crossed the border into Germany and the border police asked “Where did you come from? Where did you go?”
AND YOU HAVE NO IDEA OF MY SELF-RESTRAINT 🤣
drive-thru worker: would you like to make that large?
me: haha no thanks i need you to make it
*brings a full menstrual cup to a bank robbery
Age 10: One day I will get married and have 10 kids
Age 20: I hope I find someone neat
Age 30: *hissing sound*
Watching a special
about climate change. Oh, wait.
This is a window.
Was dating this chick whose cat used to poop in her tub all the time. I only did it once and she broke up with me. WTF?
My unemployed friends on a Wednesday at 1:30pm
COP: let’s see some ID sir
ME: *hands him the little sticker from my lemon*
COP: this ain’t gonna cut it bud
ME: fine *hands him the lemon*
Kid: I don’t like cheese
Also kid: why isn’t there cheese in my sandwich?
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
Little Orphan Annie’s song “The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow” is a little insensitive to the population of Norway.
My dog just saved my life by ferociously barking at nothing outside.
I threw out a jar of expired protein powder and some jacked up raccoons beat the shit out of me a week later.
Horse: so what happens if say, Fido were to break his leg?
Farmer: well we’d put a cast on him and he’d recover in a few weeks
Horse: oh thank God, because it’s actually me who broke my leg, and I had heard some pretty crazy rumors about hey woah is that thing loaded?
All I need is to hear those 3 special words
“Want a sandwich?”
If they force me back to the office then they better be ready for the lifestyle I’ve grown accustomed to which is loudly singing the encanto soundtrack that I do not know the words to
And then he tweeted…..
“SEE YOU IN COURT”
After just LOSING IN COURT‼️
Yes I carry a briefcase chained to my wrist in the airport. No one is stealing my travel cheese.
dry january is so funny. people are like how can i make the worst month of the year even worse
Me: I am a man of substance.
Motion-activated faucet: No.
Wife: pick a Halloween movie to watch.
Me: Harry Potter.
Wife: that’s not a Halloween movie.
Me: then why does it have witches?
Wife:
Me: and spells.
Wife:
Me: and flying broomsticks.
Wife: pick another movie.
Me: fine. Harry Potter number 2.
Do Flat Earthers also believe the sun and moon are flat?
Like, is the entire solar system just a mismatched collection of space dinner plates?