Anyone else’s phone make a retching noise when you unlock it with face ID?
You Might Also Like
I wish I had the free time of someone who leaves a positive Amazon review for a rake
ME: What’s the first rule of bite club?
DRACULA: Is it biting?
ME: That’s right, Dracula, it’s biting.
RATTLESNAKE: [quietly to himself] I was gonna say biting.
Does grape jelly go bad or do I just have wine jelly now?
*Buys a bunch of wooden letters*
Cashier: Feeling crafty?
Me: Nope, just trying to make a name for myself.
If the kids can eat chocolate eggs for breakfast, that means I can have Bailey’s in my coffee, right?
“This year sucked, next year will suck too.” Enough negativity, let’s hear something aspirational. In 2024 we will put all tik tok content creators in jail
Put my fitted sheet and duvet cover in the washing machine for a death match to see which one swallows the other.
Inventor of popcorn: Quickly! We have to put out the fire in the corn silo before it gets to the butter silo!
Men over 35 are terrible at sharing their momma’s secret recipe for her most requested dish.
And now we wait.
My vocabulary can beat your vocabulary’s ass, arse, bum, buttocks, rear end, booty, backside, tush, tuckus and badonkadonk.
Me: I better make banana bread before all the bananas go bad
*walks into the kitchen to find the bananas wielding switch blades*
Me: h-how are you smoking??
The older I get, the more I understand why Squidward is always so annoyed.
[to girl i just brought home] watch your step, i was playing with my legos earlier
What the hell was that?” my dog angrily demanded as we left the vet’s office.
“What?” I asked.
“That thing you did with the guy.”
“What, shaking his hand?”
“Yes shaking his hand. I thought that was our thing.”
God: you’re a parrot.
Parrot: ok.
God: you can repeat everything you hear.
Parrot: humans are the worst.
God: uh what?
Parrot: i’ll prolly kill them in a flood soon.
God:
Parrot:
God: what’s it gonna take to keep this quiet?
Parrot: I wanna live in a tropical paradise.
Good Cop: We want to help you. Just tell us who was with you on the night of August the 15th.
Bae Cop: My parents aren’t home. Come over.
KFC suspends iconic ‘finger lickin’ good’ slogan amid coronavirus fears
nothing says 2019 like when you group text your family from the bathroom to bring you toilet paper
wife: we should get a pet
me: *nodding* a wolf
wife: are you insane? those are dangerous
me: a large dog
wife: ok thats a good compromis-
me: that hates the moon
The first generation gentle parent in me resisting the urge to say ‘that’s what happens when you don’t pick up your shit’ when my kid falls over a toy.
Heaven is like arriving at Disneyland. Hell is like still being at Disneyland three weeks later.
Once again I find myself online shopping for a velvet cloak at 4am. But fear not, me. one day you will be online shopping for something else at 4am whilst wearing a beautiful velvet cloak.
When you’re cruising down the highway of life, and glance over to see bumper to bumper traffic on the other side of the highway, only to find out that you’re actually going in the wrong direction
Fun new prank: Walk into a busy restaurant and call out the name of a rare Pokémon.
Turns out I can hold my breath with a pillow over my face way longer than an old person. Innocent mistake..
I just saw a couple walking and they both had ankle monitors, which just goes to show that there’s someone for everybody.
[yoga]
INSTRUCTOR: pigeon pose, ladies!
ME: *already tugging the sandwich out of her purse*
[Explaining nomenclature to my niece]
Well, you see, celebrities used up all the good names the year you were born, Fancy Feast.
[joyriding in stolen Lamborghini]
HER: No way this thing does 150.
ME: Only one way to find out…
[pulls over & checks wikipedia]
Me and kiddo listening to music in car:
In a crowd of strangers and lovers 🎶
Him: Mom what’s a lover?
Me: Just when people love each other, you can call them your lover*20 min later at the grocery store*
Him to a complete stranger: Did you know we’re lovers?
Stranger:😳