Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

professor x: what’s your superpower?

me: disappointing people

professor x: I was expecting a much better answer

me: see?

Was testing the fire alarms in the house, and all the kids wandered out of their bedrooms thinking dinner was ready.

the most incredible thing about James Bond is the way he can walk into any hotel room and immediately know how to use the shower

Playing Silent Hill and honestly there’s a fair amount of noise in this game.

“What do your tattoos mean?” They mean I can sit still for a long time

tamagotchi my fitbit
owners
🤝
trying to keep a weird
little guy alive

me: *getting murdered*

wait.. did you wash your hands?

These doctor forms keep asking how often I fall down…

…it’s like they’ve been tailing me.

constantly torn between wanting to eat snacks and wanting to look like one

If you aren’t happy single, you won’t be happy taken. Real happiness comes from The Cheesecake Factory, not relationships.

[1st day as a Transformer]

GAS STATION ATTENDEE: And your total comes to $43,789.95

ME: (becomes a Decepticon)

*duck waddles into bar

Duck: Bread

*bartender takes slice out of bag

D (angry): Just leave the loaf

The Matrix described 1999 as the peak of human civilization and I laughed because that would obviously not age well but then the next 23 years happened and now I’m like yeah okay maybe the machines had a point

When people introduce a statement with “Not gonna lie,” it fills me with confidence in their honor and commitment to veracity.

All those Tarot cards and not one person at Burning Man saw this coming.

“I heard that taking your shirt off can make you appear more aggressive and self-confident.”

“Ok, but we already said you got the job.”

Groundhog Day
1993 ‧ Comedy/Romance ‧ 1h 41m

Groundhog Year
2020/21 ‧ Horror ‧ 10,272days

SCIENTIST: the earth is dying
ME: oh no how long do we have
SCIENTIST: 8 maybe 9 months
ME: so what you’re saying is no more condoms

Mrs. Cinnamon Toast Crunch is about to eat her family and honestly I get it

(Overheard in Connecticut)
“Why is the flag at the bank flying at half staff?”
“Maybe because the market has been going down?”

The main difference between kids and dogs is that kids grow out of following you to the bathroom

It all started when I realized that we didn’t call whiskers on rodents “mouse-taches”

THERAPIST *pushes intercom* Deb, cancel my 3 o’clock.

Guys, stop comparing Trump to Hitler. He thinks it’s a compliment. Call him a middle-aged woman or a peaceful Muslim.

On more than one occasion I’ve canceled plans because I was too full of calzone.

Psssst … Hey buddy … One hit of this stuff’ll take you right back to ’79

*slides over packet of Pop Rocks*

[job interview]

My greatest weaknesses are I’m terrible with money and a compulsive liar

The government: You’re hired

Cigarette: Hey buddy.

Me: I don’t smoke anymore.

Cigarette: But buddy.

Me: NO.

Cigarette: Buddy?

Me: You do make a good point. Fine.

I’m at my quickest when I try to follow someone out of the bathroom so I don’t have to touch the handle.