Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*adds another woman to the stick figure family decals on this car window*

And now we wait.

My toddler is pretty particular about the brand of chicken nuggets I offer her for somebody who just ate a crayon.

has anyone considered that millennials aren’t aging bc those koolaid jammers and lunchables preserved us?

I saw this anti-aging cream that promises to give you, “A neck that can turn heads”. If you’re so old that your neck can’t turn your head, you’re going to need more than a cream.

Jesus: *rises after three days*

God: (while reading newspaper) well look who decided to join us

j o i m p

The cupcakes I started baking in my Easy Bake Oven in 1978 are ready.
Anybody want one?

I just finished an eye exam and the receptionist asked me if I’m free on this same date next year for a follow-up appointment. Dude, I walked in here wearing my wife’s glasses because the prescription is close & I ran out of contacts–do you think I know what I’m doing next year?

Typos are gonna be the death of me!

Unless pills, cigarettes, alcohol, unprotected sex, meth, bull fighting or Taco Bell kill me first.

I think my abs look pretty good for a mother of 2 kids.

I don’t have kids.

Doctor: Are you eating a balanced diet?

Me: *thinking about that one time last year I ordered coleslaw as my KFC side*

Me: yes.

ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes

toddler: hold my cheerios

toddler: *drops cheerios*

You can’t take away snow days and make them remote learning days. Snow days aren’t about learning. If god wanted the children to learn, he wouldn’t have made it snow.

For the low, low price of a $25 donation, you too can be totally annoyed by me for several days until you pay another $25 for me to shut up.

1st date: I love the spiderman movies

Me: So do I

[thinking of something to say to impress her]

Me: I used to be a spider

I think we should have a suggestion box at work but there’s no way for me to bring it up.

Hate when stores ban free plastic bags, they’re great for picking up dog poop. Guess I’ll find a new hobby to spend my time. Maybe get a dog

me when I get my period: why am I eating & crying so much? is my depression worsening? What if im dying??? Omg im dying this is how I die. I die soon.
me later that night: dude ur not dying this is literally what ur period is. every single time.
*next period*
why am I eating & cr

Lady paid me $50 to paint the name “Inspiration” on her boat because “that’s what she is”

Considering writing “The Sea Word” instead.

“You handled that with such grace” are words that have never been spoken to me.

A lot of people finally making good on their new year’s resolution to learn how to cook 👌

[petting friend’s new guidedog]
so how did you get here?
“he brought me”
wow
[later in bed w/ wife]
did you know dave’s dog can drive a car?

[invention of cap’n crunch]

satan: give them sugar croutons

My mom said you have to love me and ask me out for Valentine’s Day

The three things Im grateful for:

1. Family

2. Friends

3. Caller ID to avoid family and friends.

MY TOP 2 FEARS OF BEING ON A SHIP

2. Being framed by pirates for a crime I didn’t commit and then being forced to walk the plank

1. Being informed while on the plank that pirates don’t operate a traditional legal system, leaving me with no legal recourse for an appeal hearing

they should invent a romcom where no one has to overhear anything that leads to a huge unnecessary misunderstanding

*reading the nutrition facts of a cookie*

me: so I’ll need to eat at least 83 of these to get 100% of my daily protein

Remember, it’s not a real paleo diet unless you’re eating mammoth every day.

One way to tell if a funeral home is not very good is if they send your loved one’s cremated ashes to someone else by mistake. That’s a dead giveaway.