Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Tiny naps between my naps I call napkins.

I only block people that deserve it and those I don’t like because of completely made up scenarios.

“If your father asks you to pick up 5 large bags of ice, the best place to put them is in the backyard in direct sun”

~My son apparently

My best friend is marrying my husband’s best friend. What could possibly go wrong?

DOCTOR: studies show that social media use reduces attention span
ME: that’s hard to believe
DOCTOR: are you checking your phone?
ME: what?

Every Adele song is about lasagna.

*Asks soulmate*
What is your dream car and why?

Minivan, because the sliding door <joining in> MAKES IT EASIER FOR DRIVE-BY BAZOOKA ATTACKS

Why do prescription pills always say “by mouth?” Where else would people put th…

Ooooooh.

The first rule of kite club is you do not talk about Benjamin Franklin.

cw: what did you do at the weekend?

me: friends treated me to a bloated birthday meal

cw: I think you mean belated?

m: *recalling the deep-fried pufferfish* I know exactly what I mean

me after creating anything: i want the whole world to see this

brain: even people who know you?

me: oh god no

I’m going to throw up in my cat’s bed and see how she likes it

ME: [explaining to a class of students] The real reason sharks lose teeth so often is because they have a very bad memory

ZOOKEEPER: [into walkie-talkie] She’s back

I don’t know what I’d do if a pen leaked in my mouth. I dread tooth ink.

My first day of student teaching my pants zipper broke. I stapled that bad boy shut… carefully.

me: be gentle, it’s been a while for me

turbo tax advisor:

HIM: [awkwardly] wanna go see a movie?
HER: sure, sounds great.
[next day]
HIM: could i maybe come with you next time?

I’m that asshole that holds the door open for you when you’re 50 feet away. You know, so you have to run a little.

[park bench with girlfriend]
so you’re dumping me because you don’t think I’m smart?
“yes brent”
*starts raining*
great and now sky water

ME: (dead silent)

ALEXA: I can hear your heartbeat.

every cat falls into one of the following categories:
• looks like it knows how to use a sword but refuses to teach you
• looks like it just finished eating an éclair

love pickles so much i put myself in one

If I was a Spice Girl I would be Mild to Medium Spice

they say you swallow 8 spiders each year, but what they don’t tell you is that it hits harder if you crush and then snort them

The Joker did a lot of horrific things but the thing I objected to the most was him bringing a date to his open mic.

Amal Clooney bought hubby George a riding lawnmower for his 55th birthday. I have never been so jealous of a garden tool in my life.

Commas make a big difference. For example “Don’t eat that, grandpa” has a very different meaning than “,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,”

Me as a kid: I can’t wait until I’m an adult and have money to spend on anything I want!

Me as an adult: Reads dozens of online reviews and does an exhaustive cost/benefit analysis before buying a $15 dish drainer.

It’s so funny that people directly compare Dune and Furiosa when all that they have in common is that there’s sand

Reminds me of the old Steven Wright joke about a baby with a diary. “Day 1: Still tired from the move. Day 2: Everybody talks to me like I’m an idiot”