me: goodnight moon 馃檪
moon: goodnight
me: goodnight stars 馃檪
stars: goodnight
me: goodnight planetarium security guard 馃檪
security guard: how the hell did you get in here
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According to my scales, there could be four wolves inside of me.
Returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
I talk a lot of shit for a girl who can’t function when the sock seam is twisted.
I love my job at Amazon. At first I thought that wearing a catheter to work to avoid bathroom breaks was unreasonable, but after several sessions of deep hypnosis with the company therapist I鈥檝e come to realize that the catheter is just a part of my body鈥攁 body of the future.
i wear corduroys on every flight so that if we crash these thicc thighs can create the fire we need to survive.
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
Waterboarding at Guantanamo Bay sounds super fun if you don’t know what either of those things are.
A taco bell would actually crack almost immediately so that’s a stupid name
Good man! 馃懄馃徎馃槨馃挭馃憤
Them: Farm animals don’t make good pets
Me: Hold my goat
My wife would bring a hoodie to the Sun “just in case.”
No I don’t want to ride in a basket beneath your giant flying fire tent.
Human: what鈥檚 up with all the anal probes?
Alien: [shrugs] seems like most of your species keeps their head up there.
I’m buying a gallon of organic milk and now I don’t know how to tell my family that I’m out of money for Christmas gifts
No one told me about Snapchat filters so all this time I’ve just been taping animals to my face.
[wakes up to crying in the night]
Wife: can you go check the baby
Me, climbing back into bed 2 mins later: yeah that was the baby
wife: I TOLD you not to try a 360 with the grocery cart
me: It was really nice when everyone started clapping after they saw I was ok though
ME: hey look it’s a *forgets the word snail* worm turtle
if *I* were a baby with no appointments or responsibilities, I would simply not wake up at 5.45am
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Never mind
Wait, Omicron isn’t the latest crypto currency?
*walks in on you sitting on the toilet* “Scooch over.”
*shows up at your hot dog convention wearing nothing but mustard and a smile.
ohh u don’t think my farm is real cuz the only crop i’m growing is burritos well pls excuse me while i cry into this fresh hot tortilla
What do you mean you can’t tell what mood they’re in by how loud they clean the kitchen?
First person to see an eclipse: SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII鈥h okay
Pretty much! 馃槀馃憖
Watched Full House for not even a full minute & now I’m white with a credit score of 720
My hot neighbor said hi to me but not my girlfriend. This shouldn’t be a problem at all
If you’re a grown man walkin around with a winter hat that has animal ears I can tell that @ some point people used 2 take your lunch money