Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*takes off hat*
“I’m afraid I have some bad news ma’am”
*puts on her hat*
“I’ve stolen your hat”

ㅤㅤ

I noticed you were watching as I struggled to find my mouth with my straw. Glad we could share that moment.

Police Officer: You know, this is a one way street?

Me: I was only going one way…

– How much for the mobile tampon?
– Ma’am?
– It’s a bit big.
– Ma’am, it’s a lamb.
– Does it make that sound because it has detected blood?

Me: I don’t want to hear it, I want to feel it!

Also me: Not like that!

Me: Wanna go for a wa—
Dog: [has already brought me leash, phone, travel water bowl, passport]

Newspapers are cool because you can cut out eye holes and spy on people. Try that with an iPad.

A new rule at the office is if you cry you get sent home. Anyways, I can’t stop crying.

My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.

The Royal Family is doing casting calls for blurry white women with brown hair.

Blurry girlies everywhere are like this is our time

Your make-up application says “I failed Clown College”.

It’s Easter, I plan to count how many eggs each kid finds.
When they ask where stuff is I’ll remind them how good they are at finding things.

When I was little and I had a runny nose, I would cover it with a Band-Aid instead of blowing it. That should’ve been my parents’ first clue.

I threw a parking cone at someone. I am the drunkest person in the United states.

Dance like no one’s watching & cook like someone else is cleaning up that shit.

Randomly screaming and moaning in agony is a great way to get a seat by yourself on a packed bus.

If a camera adds 10 pounds then maybe stop eating them

Juliet: and, if you forget my fries, don’t bother climbing back up

me: can you tell me what’s wrong with my car?

techician: sure..I’ll take a look

[later, ]

technician: it’s not too bad..

me: thank god..what is it?

technician: eh..just shit in the cylinders

me, completely clueless about cars: wow…how frequently should I do that?

Why do customers threaten you with “I’m not coming back here” alright Gertrude see if I care? If anything ur doing me a favour luv x

*spider falls on my desk*
*pulls fire alarm*
*stands in hallway & points firefighters toward my desk*

I’m learning how to do weight training by lifting dogs. I picked up a few pointers yesterday

Putting a kid to bed for the 1st time: Let me sing you this sweet lullaby, my sweet, sweet child.

Putting a kid to bed for the 3,680th time: I’ll give you $100 if you go to bed.

{Me as a police trainee}
COP: So whoever killed him—
ME: Or WHATever kil—
COP: Nope. No. That’s not a real thing. WHOever killed him… did it with something sharp.
ME:
COP:
ME: *Quietly to myself* Or someONE sharp.

People always miss the point of Moby Dick. It’s not just about a man trying to catch a whale. It’s about how animals are hard to catch in general.

Thanks to Target’s full length 3 way mirrors, I’m now painfully aware I look like a melting candle from the back.

A cashier was giving me my change and said “have a good…” then looked at my face and said “…sleep.” This seriously just happened

[Disney Pitch Meeting]

Writer: So kids love puppies

Exec: Haha true

Writer: This movie is about skinning alive 101 of them

Exec: First off, it’s perfect