Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t understand why they named it “sandpaper” when the obvious name “office toilet paper” was right there in front of them.

DAD: when your grandpa died we planted that tree so we don’t forget him

ME: cool

[later]

TREE: You still remember grandpa chuck?

ME: yeah

TREE: cool just checkin

How to make friends: Put your clothes on backwards so people don’t notice you walking up to them.

went to get pizza for lunch and when the guy asked what i wanted to drink i wasn’t paying attention so i looked this man in the eyes and said “a side of marinara”

You’ll never be as lazy as whoever named the fireplace.

Sad news for all of us remembering Princess Diana’s death 25 years ago today, and also for any girls born on that day who are now too old for Leonardo DiCaprio.

Who needs Google when you’ve got a brother-in-law who knows it all?

I love it when I’m cooking a meal and half way through I realise I don’t have all the ingredients so I improvise by eating a cake instead.

Bought a pair of Converse shoes months ago and they haven’t said a single word to one another.

It’s so cold out, that I don’t know who’s just wrapping up warm and who’s a ninja.

For the first year I drank liquor, I thought I was being pranked. I was waiting for one of my friends to say, “Gotcha! Here’s the stuff that tastes good.”

Joined a band called The Upholsterers. We do Furniture covers.

Husband: Want to go for a run?

Me: You know I don’t run.

Also me: *sees a food truck and takes off running*

I’m not rich in money, but I’m rich in friends and family.
You know, the bad kind of rich.

Microdosing being a pigeon by delivering a letter.

[opening birthday presents]
me: …is this another dead cat?

schrödinger: *way too excited* we don’t know until you open it!

Do NOT look under a teenage boy’s bed, & never, EVER ask him why he & his friends are laughing.

– two things I’ve learned the hard way

I secretly gave our Waffle House waitress a $100 tip and my family can’t figure out why she’s crying & hugging me & trying to get in our car

Me : I just ELECTROCUTED myself

Wife: How SHOCKING, how do you CURRENTLY feel ?

Me : I’m kind of AMPED.

Wife : WATT, I can’t hear you

Me : I said it HERTZ a lot.

[Dr’s office]
“I have Carrie like reflexes”
Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
*Dr hits my knee with reflex hammer and I set him on fire*
No

I love rotting in bed. My vision board is just a picture of the grandparents in Willy Wonka

Bradley Cooper is saying it took him 6 years to learn to conduct a 6 minute piece of music. Buddy you have to say more. What’s 6 years? Every day? Once a week? Did you take a year off. Did you take 5 1/2 years off. What possibly could take 6 years please this is ruining my life

Officer: do you know why I pulled you over

Me: the warrant probably

Officer: you have a broken- what

Me: what

i type in all lowercase because i hate capitalism

An escape room, but it’s just your high school reunion.

Hungover? Hydrate. Anxious? Hydrate. Want to advance Satan’s agenda here on Earth? Hydrate.

If you’re afraid of getting fat, drink a little before eating. The alcohol should reduce the fear.

Porky Pig does it.
Winnie the Pooh does it.
Donald Duck does it.
Even Squidward does it.

But when I walk around without pants on it’s, ”Put your hands up, get on the ground, and put your hands behind your back!”

When I die, I want people to think back lovingly about me and say “oh, I thought she was already dead”