Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*grandpa walks in with a bearded man in a plaid shirt & skinny jeans*
“uhh grandpa who’s that?”
“my hip replacement”

(making the first gang) and we all have to wear the same color. it’ll be cute.

Who called it cremation and not ashashination

we got a new neighbour and I thought it was taking him weeks to move in but turns out he works for u-haul

If you get an email at work from my cat with an attachment delete it

FRIEND: it’s saturday! you know what that means…
ME: hell yeah baby *secretly googles what does saturday mean*

The U.S is #18 in mathematics worldwide. At least we’re in the top ten.

HR: Please don’t begin all your letters with “Dearest….”

Interviewer: What are you passionate about? I want someone who’s full of passion. Passion is so motivational.

Me: I’m passionate about a paycheque, sir.

satan: [pulling me aside] hey we’ve had some complaints

me: about the laughing?

satan yeah [scratching horns] i gotta be honest a lot of the demons are creeped out

me:

satan: you really shouldn’t be enjoying the torture this much

Whoever named them “sugar cookies” could’ve tried a little harder.

RIDDLER: riddle me this

TODDLER: *does Todd stuff*

[pearly gates]
ME: whoa
JESUS: sup bro! Welcome
M: have you… always had a-
J: falcon head? Lol yep come on in let’s weigh that heart

ME (undercover, approaching craps table): One crap please, my good man.

I came across 3 snakes while mowing the yard today, but those of you in North America already know that because you heard me scream

I want those snacks that have 2 eyes and a scary mouth

-my 3 yo, describing pretzels

If I’m grilling and I can see you grilling, we will engage in a ceremonial tong click and bow.

I’ve never struggled with depression, we’ve always gotten along together.

cigarette breaks used to be a great excuse to step away when I felt overwhelmed in social settings until I quit. now I try to get some space and people are like WHERE ARE YOU GOING and I’m like idk I just like to be away from you more often than this

cop: do you know who the murderer is?

detective quasimodo: i have a [takes off sunglasses] decent lead

cop: [obviously disappointed] oh

detective quasimodo: what?

cop: it’s just i thought you were gonna say you had a… nvm it’s not important

My Google search history is me checking how to spell hors d’oeuvres 3,729 times.

*scrawls note on deserted isle*
TRAPPED ON ISLAND! HELP ME!
*sends off in bottle*
*it returns, months later, with reply*
NEW BOTTLE WHO DIS?

Watching holiday movies as a kid gave me the impression that as an adult I’ll forget my kid at home or have to drive in a halfway burned down car to get where I’m going.

me: I lost the boy
wife: where?
me: at the burrito stand
wife: how?
me: I turned around for a second
wife: yes?!
me: and then for a third

When someone tries to argue with me I’m like “hey pal let me stop you right there” and then physically turn them around to face someone else

Everybody has a method to their twitter madness. Don’t critique mine, and I won’t critique yours. If you don’t like how I do it, unfollow.

Homeless people are so lucky. They don’t have to pay rent and can eat as many pigeons as they want.

i married for love

but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored

For Halloween I’m putting on a fishnet body stocking and going as a bag of onions.