Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My husband: Put on something hot and do a sexy dance for me, baby.

Me: *puts on Snuggie and does the worm*

Show her you’re into her by running your toes through her hair

I walk around my yard with a fake ankle monitor so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids

Just because I am an Italian American doesn’t mean my family is in the mob….

It means we used to be.

Me, “Alexa, make all these people leave my house.”

Alexa, “Playing Nickelback.”

🎶 Whoa we’re half way there,
Whoa-oh…

My waxer keeps mumbling about finding Big Foot. Probably just means he finds me mysterious, right?

Menopausal symptoms can be fatal. They almost killed my husband.

My wife just texted to tell me that she killed a spider all by herself, get my union rep on the phone, stat.

I saw a fat kid sitting on a seesaw all by himself. I stopped and waited for another kid to fall from the sky. I left disappointed.

my only knowledge of animals is that turtles like pizza and cats like lasagna

I’m a bound and determined person and I like to get things done but as I’ve gotten older I’ve found that I can pay others to do it while I take a nap.

Not to brag but I don’t even need meditation, my mind goes blank the second someone asks me for directions.

I’d roll around in garbage with you. Not the garbage from the bathroom though, that’s gross, but the good stuff that comes from the kitchen.

Adam: Eve, you read the terms and conditions before using that Apple product right?

Eve: Uh yeah, totally

[giving wedding toast for my cousin]

…and she’s like the cool, pretty sister I always wished I‘d had—

My actual sister also attending the wedding: HEY.

Weddings are dumb. Except yours. Yours was a great way to spend money.

One time I microwaved my lunch at work and my coworker said “That smells spicy! What is that–is that salt?” And when I was speechless she followed up with “Is it pepper?”

Friend just told me she got a hair trim for $80. Told her my dog groomer would’ve bathed her, clipped nails & emptied anal glands for less.

Quoting famous dead people on the internet is stupid.

~Confucius

they should invent more hobbies for people without skills or patience

Her: Our youngest is 98 months.

Me: What’s that in human people years?

Dads lose their shit when it starts raining and the sprinklers are running

Holy shit, there are some disgusting perverts on here… but enough about me.

It’s that time of year again when I should really check in on my friends with pools or boats to see how they’ve been since last summer.

Happy Star Trick Day.

May you go forth with the confidence of baby Yoda.

How many tricks you get today anyway?

*aliens come to earth to steal our water*

[cut to]

*aliens running out of store with like fifteen evian bottles they didn’t pay for*

BRAIN: you need to let loose a little, have some fun
ME: rainbow colored goldfish crackers it is

For my morning walk, I’m not blasting music into my brain. You are not going to hear anything more lovely them the way the birds sound today and also I can’t get my earbuds to work.