Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Idea: a neck tattoo that depicts a man having an unsuccessful job interview because of his neck tattoo

[Christmas]
6:30—kids are excited
7:30—kids are playing
8:00—kids are fighting
9:00—kids are crying
9:15—wife is yelling
9:30—I am drinking

I’m just going start inventing words and then tell people that’s what we call it in England.

me, minding my own business as a vegan:

someone: oK bUt If YoU wErE sTrAnDeD oN a DeSeRtEd IsLaNd aNd YoU hAd tO eAt mEaT tO sUrViVe

It’s called “personal grooming” as though we might get confused and groom a total stranger.

Woman: Does Viagra work?

Pharmacist: Yes

Woman: Can you get it over the counter?

Pharmacist: Yes if I take two!

“Those ducking cops will never catch me!”

– dialogue from the action-adventure video game Grand Theft Autocorrect

The valet at the park washroom isn’t wearing pants, should I tip more or less

Kinda feel like this is just the razzle dazzle my resume needs.

I told 14 to put the towels from the washer to the dryer 4 hours ago. I asked an hour ago if he did and he said yes.

He never turned the dryer on. I guess that shit’s on me for not specifying.

I’ve heard that there are people that can keep every room of their house clean at the same time

At my house the rooms have to take turns being clean, kind of like the kids

I ended up living in a storage unit the last time I took advice from a guy named Kyle

The entire world is the kid in the back seat asking are we there yet. Politicians are the parent saying “soooo close” and scientists are the honest parent.

Tweeting and grocery shopping don’t mix. I’ve been down every aisle and just realized all I have in my cart is a cabbage and someone’s baby.

CULT LEADER: join our cult
ME: no thanks
CULT LEADER: we believe Air Bud was a documentary
ME: I’m listening

hey guys I chipped my tooth and now I can do the land down under flute solo when I laugh

*Rides unicorn to work*

*Gives Bigfoot hi-five*

*Chats with mermaids*

*Argues with Medusa*

*Gets called in to HR*

*Fails drug test*

WIFE: *holding pregnancy test* well this is unexpected

ME: *rubbing wife’s tummy* can we discuss a different name?

The main difference between kids and dogs is that kids grow out of following you to the bathroom

TIP: if ur worried about the airworthiness of the plane you’re on offer it a chip. If it eats it you’re on a seagull. Disembark immediately

I can’t believe the tasteless and offensive things some people tweet.
Seriously, I just saw a recipe for homemade mac n cheese.. they only used one kind of cheese😳 and they didn’t put the bread crumble on top!!

guy finding a big puddle of blood in a horror movie: (touches it and looks at his fingers) it’s blood

People are always impressed to hear that I graduated from Harvard at 16, but you can do anything you set your mind to if you just lie.

scenes of unspeakable carnage

https://video.twimg.com/ext_tw_video/1623937820069863424/pu/vid/576x720/2Zkr2jfwRgon9jYy.mp4?tag=12

I haven’t really been as disappointed as I was when I realised that the movie ‘Breakfast Club’, actually had nothing to do with food

I’ve never been as disappointed as my dog just was when she realized the food I dropped was a carrot.

[teaching son to brush his teeth]
Me: this is the part of your skeleton that everyone sees

[news anchor]

“Up next, can more sex lead to a healthier & happier-”

*wife changes channel*

British meanings of “you look well”

1. You look well
2. You looked particularly bad when we last met and you’ve improved since then
3. You look larger than last time
4. We both know you’re looking unwell but I’m trying to make you feel better about it
5. I can’t remember who…