Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

MAGICIAN: Now the woman is in the box, I will saw her in half!

EVERYONE: *gasps*

ME *whispers to wife* ok you were right, a magician at a funeral is weird

I ordered some fitted sheets that have U.S. road maps on them. Now I’ll have two reasons why I can’t fold them.

[Rock Paper Scissors]
Rock: As if a scrap of paper could hurt me.
*Paper unfolds itself, revealing a message*
YOUR PARENTS NEVER LOVED YOU

I got arrested for punching a mime and the judge sentenced me to six months of community theater

Got 3 boxes of tampons, Midol & Ibuprofen at the store. Checker was so scared he paid for my shit & carried it out for me.

Taco bell – when you want your guts rearranged at 2am and have nobody to text

My almond-milk shake brings all the vegans to the yard, and they’re like …. “where’s your compost?”

They got Raph!

When do I get to find my nice Canadian girl to settle down with and have flannel babies?

I never thought I’d fight with my wife over who gets to run basic errands alone but then we had two kids.

They’re going to start pairing TV shows w/medications. “If you’re taking this, this and this… watch this!”

Acting really is the only profession where you can put all your mistakes at work in a fun little blooper reel and people think it’s great. Wouldn’t fly for a plumber would it. Or an anaesthetist

I could be happily married to some dude for 50 year an id still be textin ma pals like “omg do u think he likes me???”

shit just got real

I could look like Margot Robbie if I was younger, taller, and had a whole different face.

“We should get a bell so that when we need you we can just ring it” – my child, hiring me as his servant

My friend got fired and his boss emailed him to ask about some stuff. He responded by offering a daily consulting rate of 4x his previous salary. LOL

“Did you just elect a pope in there?” he asked as the vape cloud billowed from her car window.

Americans: Iran and Iraq are countries, not Apple products, so say their names properly.

“there’s no word that contains all the vowels in order”, I said facetiously

If I had a party I wouldn’t tell you when to leave but there will be signs.

While removing a cat hair from my phone screen I accidentally closed three windows, downloaded two apps, made an unwanted Amazon purchase, and texted my boss a Chuck Norris meme.

Didn’t realize how much motherhood had changed me until I army crawled in & out of my sleeping baby’s room to get my 1/2 cup of cold coffee.

Me: Ah, the elusive white penny

Cashier: That’s a button

*Husband buys me flowers*

Me: Aw sweet, but don’t waste money on things that are going to die.

Him: But you keep buying the cat food.

God making Khaki

God: I want a material that can be dressed up or dressed down

Angel: Nice!

G: But it shows every pee drip

A: Hilarious!

PATIENT: I’ve been so stressed out lately. What can I do?
DR DOG (tail wagging like crazy): Studies show that petting dogs relieve stress

I’m just gonna put an egg under my kid’s pillows and tell them the Easter Bunny and Tooth Fairy must’ve went out drinking the night before.

I don’t understand why I cant lose weight. I thought dieting was a piece of cake.

“Oh, I like your coat!”

“What? This old rag? It cost 2p! I’ve had it for ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s seen better days. I hate it. Been meaning to get a new one. Thank you, though!”