Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

it’s creepy that edward cullen never sleeps and spends his nights staring at bella. but what if he’s just stopping spiders crawling into her mouth? now we’re talking

estão todos miauvindo?

ugh just spilled my starbucks coffee on my phone and now all my contacts are misspelled.

First time flying huh?
-Yeah how could you tell?
Just a hunch. You wanna come down to your seat? The overhead bin is typically for luggage.

Me: I swear you’ll be the death of me

Murderer: lol

ME: So it’s like a spank bank for your feelings?

THERAPIST: Most people just call it a journal, but sure

[creating animals]

God- I want an animal with 2 humps

Angel- And a cute face?

G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans

A- LOL

G- LOL

Date a photographer. Then when it doesn’t work out you have new pics for your dating apps.

The reason I switched from a backpack to a messenger bag is so that I look more classy and professional carrying nothing but snacks to work.

He said he wants to be my Sugar Daddy, and I thought awesome, I love cookies.

I was just adoringly watching my dog sleep and he woke up and caught me and now he thinks I’m some stalker weirdo.

Sure it was spent alone in a desert hut, but Obi Wan basically wore a bathrobe for 19 years and I have nothing but respect.

Nothing makes sex more awkward than realizing your kid is awake…

and standing outside your door…

and playing the harmonica.

Why does my 2yo insist on looking homeless when we leave the house?

driving down the highway in my monster truck, crushing hundreds of cars but avoiding ones that have “baby on board” decals, because I’m a good person

I think the saying “every man for himself” was made up by women tired of making sandwiches

mission: save the cat

obstacles: the cat

My dad lost his job at the cemetery yesterday. He buried someone in the wrong plot. It was a grave mistake.

Some of you are acting like you got off a flight from Australia instead of losing one hour.

Say what you will about the state of the world, but now feels like a really good time to start marketing my C̶u̶l̶t̶ C̶o̶m̶m̶u̶n̶e̶ Adult Summer Camp

Next episode of Why are Customers So Annoying

Dear Impatient Customer,
If you call someone and get their voicemail, calling me to transfer you will not make them answer when I’m transferring you to the same number you just called 5 seconds ago.

[driving to occult ceremony]

“I’m just gonna have one sacred elixir”

[2 hours later]

[floating in midair chugging straight from the ram’s skull] BEQUEATH ME ANOTHER

Just realized the little piggy that went to market was NOT just going shopping so I’mma need to shut it down for a day.

Please do it!

When a cop pulls you over for a DUI at 2am on Friday night & tells you to walk the line-it’s never good to start singing Johnny Cash songs.

Me *pointing gun* give me all your money

Bank teller: um that’s a water pistol

Me *aiming at her mouth* I’ve filled it with La Croix

Bank teller: you want it in 20s or

CBS: “Tom Petty is dead.”

Tom Petty: “Don’t do me like that.”

If you’re having a bad day, just know that my 9 year older nephew announced to a room full of friends and family that he saw his parents doing “naked yoga.”

“See that guy over there? I have to serve him with papers today.”

-Oh really? Why?

“Because I lost my tennis racquet.”

[First date]

Her: Are you literally WEARING a red flag?

Me: Yes, do you like it? Hey! Come back!