Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume that he’s either a weirdo or he’s punishing himself for swearing again

Craft beer drinkers when someone hands them a pint of actual motor oil

neil armstrong: i’ll take that for you

neil armweak: can you carry this?

Me: who called it a prison cell air duct instead of a convent
Nun: that’s not funny
Escaped Prisoner (hiding in the air duct): it kinda is

“I have so much to do” she says, staring at a tree for five years

Your 20s: I will strive for goodness and peace in this troubled world.

Your 40s: Every single chair is terrible.

My husband’s coming home from a trip, so I’m artfully placing dishes in the sink to look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for 5 days.

Athena: Hey if someone were to hypothetically curse you and turn your hair into your greatest fear what would it be

Medusa: probably snakes I’ve always hated them

Athena: interesting

Medusa: why

Athena:

Medusa: *nervous sweating* Athena why would you ask me that

I’m getting my eyebrows waxed into “permanently surprised” position so it looks like I’m paying attention.

[Elementary School sends out the “time to check lost and found for your child’s missing items” annual email…]

Me: Hello, U-haul…Me again…Imma need your biggest truck

something america actually gets right is our commitment to air conditioning and ice cubes in drinks. like yeah healthcare would be nice but my god, room temperature water is an abomination

November is the Sunday of months. no I will not explain

The best baby age is when they say “baby” when they see another baby as though they themselves are not in fact also a baby.

The shortest distance between two points is over a cyclist.

~Australian drivers, apparently.

we live in a society where it’s perfectly acceptable to touch 50 pieces of fruit at the supermarket before buying one. every apple you eat has been fondled by half the neighborhood

Always use your best photos for your profile on FB.

Cause those are the photos the media will use if something horrible happens to you.

fun fact: scientists discovered years ago that dogs and cats could actually talk and converse with humans, unless their human turned out to be super duper boring

Other parents might understand this fear, I woke up to a text from my daughter that she sent at 12:32am

Daughter-you awake?

Me: (5 hours later) I just saw this, omg are you ok?

Daughter: oh yea I’m ok, I just wanted to know your potato salad recipe.

this guy in South Dakota left his pickup sitting for four days. You know it’s the pandemic. In that time a family of Red Squirrels picked apples from a nearby tree and stored em in his engine and wheel compartment. There are another 1 1/2 to 2 buckets in the wheel wells!!

Friend: We could to Jurassic Park but there are pros and cons

Me: Like what?

Friend: They have dinosaurs. And you can die

Me: And what are the cons?

Dear 16, There are other ways to meet girls besides backing your car into theirs. Love, Exasperated Mom

Me: What should I wear on my date

Friend: An expensive dress shirt

*Later*

Me: Hi

Her: Is that the top of a wedding gown

A couple walks toward me with their dog, a Briard. Of course they want me to ask about the dog. I pretend I don’t speak English.

What kind of shit holiday encourages kids to ring my doorbell AND ask for free food?

When a guy jokes about pms, you need to laugh along to show you’re a cool chick, but hold the laugh too long- so he gets scared.

wife: know what today is?
me: yep
wife: on 2
together: 1, 2
wife: Happy Anniver..
me: 3 MONTHS UNTIL..
wife:..sary
me:
wife:
me: ..Santa

According to the group of firemen in our floor’s breakroom… my microwave popcorn is burnt

“But it’s my only vice” I say to myself as I do my 13th unhealthy thing for the day

Margaret Thatcher died?? And more importantly, Margaret Thatcher was still alive??!!

Some time last year, I accidentally splashed pothole water onto a lady on a rainy day. When I stopped to apologise, the lady immediately ran away! I’m still wondering why