Me: goodnight moon
Warren Moon: how did you get in my house?
You Might Also Like
Breathe in deeply, eat a rotisserie chicken, breathe out.
I’ve done all the cleaning and ironing but I’ve forgot why I broke into this house in the first place.
You can’t scare me. You’re not my husband holding my credit card over the shredder.
[Battleship: Guilt Edition]
Friend: B6
Me: You sunk my Battleship
Friend: Hah yes!
Me: But 70 people were on the ship. They had children
Best table by far
“I hope this email finds you well”
The email finding me
I called a driver in the school drop off line a moron and 7 very solemnly said… Santa heard that.
hmm conte-me mais
Husband: Are we ordering out for lunch or eating here?
Me: I was just going to have something frozen here.
Daughter, from the other room: I WANT SOMETHING FROZEN 2.
if you text me “we need to talk” i’m gonna reply “yes we do” now we both stressed
North Carolina just legalized same sex marriage. I thought all sex was the same after marriage.
We must preserve our bookstores. There are so few places you can go to slide sideways on a ladder
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
Eating my 8 spiders on New Years Day this year to get it out of the way
*skinny dips into black hole
Well, it’s finally happened. White people are Tupperwaring themselves.
I learned today the the gender neutral version of Sugar Daddy is Glucose Guardian and I support that
I would like a formal apology each time I prove to my computer it wrongly accused me of being a robot.
Remember to set your wireless bra to ‘airplane mode’ before take off.
superman: hey can i borrow your ladder? i need to replace one of the lightbulbs on my kitchen ceiling
batman: dude, you can fly…
superman: oh yeah, good point. i can just fly to home depot and buy a ladder
batman: what
How do you restore your body back to ‘factory settings’?
Is it kale? it’s kale, isn’t it? please don’t say kale.
My favorite genre of tweet is “person born after I graduated college feels old”
wife: I saw a baby on the way to work
me: how do you know?
wife: how do I know I saw a baby on the way to work?
me: yeah, did it have a tiny briefcase or something?
wife: what
Well thank you auto correct for changing “I wish you were here” to “I wish you were her”. I didn’t wanna have sex anyways.
Her: I love pizza
Me: *trying to impress* they actually called me pizza face in middle school
Got all naked, baby oiled myself up, and jumped on his desk.
Slid into the wall so hard I’m suction-cupped
“Dad this is better than Applebee’s”
Well if you need me I will be over here filling out my MasterChef application.
Me: Jesus. Get the kids inside
Wife: What’s wron-
Me: *running* JUST GET THE DAMN KIDS INSIDE
[a bee flies off of the lens of my binoculars]
Me: this is my service alligator. he’s trained
Him: it’s not trained. it attacks anyone who gets close to you
Me: like I said, it’s trained