Me: Goodnight, see you in the morning
3: Goodnight, see you in a minute
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“Please stop chasing your sisters with tarter sauce,” is something the parenting books didn’t warn me about.
I told my mom that I accepted drugs from a semi-stranger and got way too high and freaked out and called my brother because I was semi-hallucinating and couldn’t figure out if I still existed and her takeaway was “I’m so glad you guys are close 🥹🥹”
Best bird cliques…
A “murder” of crows
A “flamboyance” of flamingos
A “fall” of woodcocks…aka dudes who realize they’ve been catfished
the human only brought one little bag. on our walk. so naturally. i had to poop twice. they are in shambles
[Stonehenge]
*Synth bass line*
*hooded figure pops out*
“Thiiiiis is hooww we Druuuiiid”
*other hooded figures pop out*
“It’s Friday night”
🎵If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my gourds🎵
~ The Pumpkin Spice Girls
*Arrives at the barbers*
“I’d like some highlights please”
*Barber puts on video of old haircuts*
sorry about the last 24 hours California, i brought back a mysterious relic from overseas but i’ve destroyed it now
Angry like someone who’s gone three straight spoonfuls of raisin bran without getting a raisin.
Trail Mix should just be called “Dig around until you find the M&M’s”
A new study finds that sausages are often linked to other sausages
[teen me w/GF in my dad’s car]
Me: You wanna do it?
Her: *giggling* Yes
Me: *hears voice whisper no glove, no love* GET OUT OF THE CAR MOM
People that whistle in public have at least one body buried in their backyard.
I let 8 stay up late last night which helped when i told him it was time for bed he just said ok and went right to sleep. haha i’m jk he still lost his shit.
MARRIED WHITE FEMALE in search of someone to remove holiday cookies and treats from her hands. Must be of strong constitution.
Memories are a bit fuzzy — but regrets? They’re in 8K and Dolby Vision.
The worst thing about kissing the person who loves you the most is when you bang your teeth off the mirror
Her: I really can’t stay
Him: Baby, it’s cold outside
Her: I’m Canadian, I can handle it
For Halloween I’m going as an emotional roller coaster.
I was doing well on my diet until I got my period and had to eat four pieces of pizza, a block of cheese, two candy bars, and seven houses.
My gym shut down but a pizza place opened in its spot so my visits have remained pretty consistent
DOCTOR: when was the last time you exercised?
ME: *thinking about holding the thermometer under my tongue* dude you were there
Dad, why do we celebrate 4th of July?
Well son, it celebrates our defeating the aliens that blew up the White House after Will Smith attac
Can’t, looking for my glasses in the dark while wearing them.
Ever wonder why we call it a period and not that time of the paragraph?
[to the tune of little drummer boy]
baaaaby shaaark, doo
doo doo doo doo doo
Me [being crucified]: my God, why have you forsaken me? *life flashes before my eyes* oh yeh, that’s why.
I googled “where do ninjas live?” no results were found.
Well played ninjas. Well played.
I’m sorry but divorce stories aren’t specific enough. If I sat through 3 slideshows of your wedding shoes I want details. How long did he let that saucepan “soak”.