Me: Goodnight, see you in the morning
3: Goodnight, see you in a minute
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If two wrongs don’t make a right, I might as well try for three.
When my son handed me my wallet I realized something important.
He’s a pickpocket.
My wife said that we need to have a talk after my 2 year old goes down for a nap so I filled her sippy cup with Red Bull.
I burn more calories begging, cajoling and pleading with my kids to get dressed for our hike and get out the door than I will on any actual hike
what are they serving at kfc then???
Huge sale this weekend, we have too many mountain lions, please come buy a mountain lion, this was a horrible business plan, one guy got ate
“I am the God of mischief in Norse mythology, but I don’t want too many people knowing about it”.
– Low key.
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Tweeting.
Him: Gah. Such a colossal waste of time.
Me: *stare*
Him: *goes back to playing Candy Crush*
If you haven’t told your kids that wine is made out of whiny children then congratulations I guess you’re a better parent than me.
Me: Sometimes I feel like instead of actively listening, you’re just waiting for your turn to talk
Poltergeist: throws dishes
[me in a zombie apocalypse] okay I think this is a zombie but I don’t want to be rude and presume anything, maybe this lady is just having a rough day, aren’t we all, haha, I’ll just try to go about my business, okay no she’s definitely biting me
The next time you hear a celebrity saying, “we’ll get through this together,” send them your electric bill with a thank you note.
In my defense, they never told me I couldn’t tattoo their baby when I got the babysitter job.
i’m not surprised they turned on steve bannon… everyone always resents the hottest person in the group of friends
Raccoons use their hands more than any animal, so they’re basically the Italians of nature.
‘It’s the thought that counts’ doesn’t work on housework.
Good try though.
Good thing he found a cart, because that looks really heavy.
Me: look at these colorful leaves, fall is so beautiful
Leaf: *cough* behold the desolation of my brothers *wheeze* death surrounds us all
My wife says she can breakdown cardboard packaging for the recycling bin better than I can. I think I will just let her have that one.
*carrying dog*
Clerk: no pets allowed
Me: *closes eyes* It’s my seeing eye dog.
C: You tried that last week.
M: IT’S MY SEEING EYE DOG!
Next time you’re having a bad day just remember that alligators spend their whole lives looking like they’re trying to do a push-up.
Me, a 40-year-old woman: I really hope I get an A on my daughter’s second grade school project
My crazy neighbor claims she was robbed last night. I know she is crazy because I found all her medication as I was breaking into her house.
[blind date]
HER: i love classic rock
ME: (trying to impress) i’ve been to Stonehenge
Big decision to make? Sleep on it. Have a nightmare. Then you’ll be operating on pure adrenaline and choose more quickly.
I used to think I had a Japanese friend.
But it was just my Imagine Asian.
This elevator skit is so incredibly simple
And I think that’s what makes it perfect.
I know there’s a lot going on right now in America but my husband just used one of the good towels!
Me: No one told me raising a baby would be sooo hard 😰
My baby:
*shakes the internet like a magic 8-ball* What am I mad about today?